Kindness (#WondertheMovie)

Kindness

The first time I encountered emotional abuse was in high school. For two years, my best friend did it onto me, and only after two years was I able to recognize it enough to break free.

I could have told the whole school about the things she had said to me all along, the way she had made me feel—the control, the manipulation. I refrained from doing so, however, and only told my closest friends—I thought this was what it meant to be kind. I was wrong.

I was emotionally abused by a second best friend for four years—two of these overlapping with my abovementioned friendship. The reason I was unable to detect this was because this person was also motivated by using me for money—over one thousand to be exact. Cutting her off was even more difficult, but it truly shed some light on something I had missed this whole time.

I had not been kind to myself.

Around the time I let go of the second friend, I knew this kindness was long overdue. I started seeing a counselor—something I should've done in high school but didn't do until college. I started opening up to my friends about my anxiety, or when something was bothering me; this was something I had never done before. I even wrote poetry about my experiences with the second friend, and submitted it as my final project for my poetry class. These were things I had never seen myself doing, months before.

By being kind to myself, I can let others be kind to me, and not be fearful of them leaving me. By being kind to myself, I can understand and recognize this internal struggle within others; I can encourage them to also try to love themselves, as difficult as it is.

The less anxious I am, the more determined I start to become, to reach out to others. It is a strenuous task that is still in progress. To choose kindness towards myself is to choose it everyday, even though I used to never choose it at all. In the process, I start to learn the difference between true kindness that expects nothing, and manipulation, that expects something in return. I learn the difference between holding on, and detecting when I must let go. And I learn to help others to make that decision.

I have never regretted this path, in the almost full year since I have chosen it.