Letters to Izaak

9. Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, 1752

Three days came and went, but silence droned on. It lost its edge and it transformed into a dull ache deep in my gut. I was putting all of my effort into trying to accept that this was the new way of life for me.

I was failing.

I missed the way things were before. I missed letters and kisses and feeling like it was just the beginning of a better life. It was so easy for those simple things to become familiar and necessary. Having them ripped away felt like drowning.

At dinner that night, I couldn't even force myself to eat. Papa eyed me warily throughout most of the meal, but he stayed quiet. He could sense that I didn't want to talk about it. Eventually, I couldn't even pretend to be alright anymore. I excused myself and headed outside to get some fresh air.

Sea breezes blew my auburn hair away from my face as I walked mindlessly along the railing. The only sounds were the waves lapping against the hull and the sails fluttering overhead.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even see the person before I rammed right into them.

A throb erupted in my shoulder as I looked up.

Markel.

He winced, but didn't move back. He looked wrecked. His hair was a knotted mess and his eyes were rimmed with red. Scratchy stubble lined his jaw.

"Dina," he said hoarsely.

"Markel."

"Hello."

"Hi."

Then... silence. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him. He had made it quite clear that he didn't want to speak to me, but I hated silence now and I had to put an end to it.

I cleared my throat. "How are you?"

Markel bit his lip and looked past me out at the sea. He sighed heavily. That was enough of an answer.

"How's Selik?" I tried again.

He shifted his eyes back to my face and hesitated before answering. "I was just headed to see him. Why don't you come and ask him yourself?"

I nodded. "Alright," I replied simply.

We made our way down into the ship's lower levels and headed for the private room Selik had been moved to. When we reached the door, Markel opened it and motioned for me to enter first.

The room was dimly lit by a dying lantern on the bedside table. A wooden stool was situated next to the bed. Books were stacked on the chest that sat at the foot of the bed.

Then, there was Selik.

He laid on his back, head propped up by three ragged pillows. He was wearing a blue nightshirt that was soaked through with sweat. A red, angry-looking rash was crawling up his neck and peaked out over his collar. He looked exhausted.

Despite all of this, though, Selik's smile was like the sun, piercing in the shadowy room.

"I brought you a visitor, little brother," Markel said from behind me.

"I can see that," Selik replied. He was staring at me with such fondness that my cheeks flushed happily. "Hello, Berdina."

"Hello, Selik. How are you feeling?"

He threw his head back and laughed. "Honestly, like I've been tied to the front of The Phoenix and used to cut through the waves."

I smiled grimly. "I can't imagine that's a good feeling."

"Oh, no. It's awful." Selik was saying such saddening words, but somehow he kept his voice light and clear.

I moved farther into the room and Markel stepped fully through the doorway.

"Oh, hey, Markel," Selik started, "before you get comfortable, could you get me some more water?" He looked meaningfully at his empty cup.

"Yes. Of course," Markel said. He grabbed the cup from the bedside table and gave me a polite nod before ducking out into the hall.

That left Selik and I completely alone. He motioned for me to sit next to him. I cautiously settled myself onto the stool.

"Thank you for visiting me, Berdina. It is very sweet of you," he said.

"It's the least I could do."

"But it is still more than enough."

My heart broke at the thought that something so small could mean so much to him. I reached out and held his hand in mine. His skin burned with a fever. He didn't tense like he had the first time I'd taken his hand. Instead, he drew lazy patterns along my skin with his thumb, a dreamlike film over his eyes.

"Selik," I started, but my voice got caught in my throat before I could go on. I tried again. "Selik, I want to thank you for being a friend to me. From the beginning, you have been nothing but kind to me. You have no idea how nice it is to have a constant source of warmth, no matter what happens."

"I think I do know," he said, tenderly squeezing my hand.

I attempted a smile, but it quivered and refused to stay put. Selik drew in a shaking breath and laid there for a minute before speaking again.

"Berdina, I don't think I have much time left."

Instantly, I said, "No, Selik, you can't think like that. You'll pull through. You'll be fi-"

"No, I won't," he interrupted. He said it with such finality and acceptance. Realistically, I knew he was right. He couldn't go on like this for much longer, not with this high of a fever. It was like his body was trying to burn up from the inside out.

"Berdina, I need to tell you how grateful I am for how you've taken care of Markel. He needs a good influence like you in his life. We made a deal a while back and you said you owed me. Well, this is how you can repay me. Keep taking care of him once I'm gone. Deal?"

"Deal," I murmured. I felt a single tear fall down my cheek, but I barely noticed it over the pain in my chest.

"Thank you," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

The moment was cut short by Markel's abrupt return.

"Well, it seems you two have gotten quite friendly since I left," the older Fischer quipped. I pulled my hand back shyly.

Selik grinned and chuckled. The chuckle suddenly changed into a wracking cough. I flinched and watched as his body shook with the sheer force of his cough.

I couldn't bear it for another minute. I couldn't see this bright and lively boy dying before my eyes. It didn't make sense for someone like him to look so damaged.

I got to my feet and backed towards the door, more tears threatening to spill.

"I-I should go," I stammered. "Goodbye, Selik. Goodbye, Markel."

I pushed past Markel into the hall and I heard Selik call after me, "Berdina!"

I didn't turn back around. I just kept running.