Apartment Infinity

My Best Friend Me.

“But it is with yourself and not by yourself,” Doug say in a genuine attempt to come to PU Doug Four’s defense as he uncomfortably places his hand on his shoulder in an attempt to be comforting.

“I know, I know,” PU Doug Four begins to sob.

“You’re going to be alright,” Doug says now desperately looking for an escape plan.

“Yeah,” PU Doug Four manages to squeak out between sniffles.

“Hmmmm. You want to get drunk and watch porn,” Doug suggests?

PU Doug Four’s face lights up, “Heck yeah!”

“Come on pal, let do this,” Doug orders as he marches across the living room and hijacks the television. He pushes PU Doug Five off the mattress. PU Doug Four pushes PU Doug Six off the mattress as Doug fires up a porno parody of Rambo and the two watch the video as if it were a legitimate action flick.

PU Doug Five watches from the ground. He is appalled by this smutty take on a classic. PU Doug Six watches from the ground on the other side of the mattress. “Who was this cinematographer of this,” he asks, fully engaged by the story?

“Sh,” Doug snaps. Even though PU Doug Five seems offended by the fact that this is a poorly done remake, no one seems put off by the awkwardness of the situation.

~

 Doug stands near the corner of the room smiling rocking back and forth with anticipation as if he is preparing for something fun. His eyes widen as he ducks, just barely dodging a ball that flies past his head and smashes into a decorative lamp.

Ignoring the hazard, Doug jumps at the ball and instantly throws it back across the room at PU Doug Four. PU Doug Four dives out of the way. The ball smacks PU Doug Five in the ear. Every Doug in the room points at PU Doug Five and laughs.

~

Doug and PU Doug Four stand on either side of the room waving money over their heads. They both appear to be very wasted. PU Doug Five and PU Doug Six fight in the middle of the room They both have  bags over their heads. PU Doug Five has butter knives taped to his fingers. PU Doug Six has an entire fish taped to his right hand.

“Come on Wolverine,” PU Doug Four cheers!

“You got this Aquaman,” Doug yells as PU Doug Six slaps PU Doug Five upside the head with the fish.

PU Doug Four’s cheeks expand as he begins to dry heave. He races off to the bathroom.

~

PU Doug Five and PU Doug Six are back on the mattress. They are both bruised up from their battle but there are obviously no hard feelings. “How can you not like cheese? I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t like cheese,” PU Doug Five asks, astonished.

“I just don’t like cheese,” PU Doug Six responds, feeling no need to defend himself.

Doug sits at the dining room table. He notices PU Doug Four’s books poetry and opens it to his latest entry that reads, “I may not be as brilliant as Einstein, Who just happened to be a Jew, But I do think I’m smart enough, To know I truly love you.”

Doug looks dumbstruck as he quickly closes the book just in time to avoid being caught by PU Doug Four, who returns to the room, wiping the vomit from the corner of his mouth as he talks on the phone. “Okay, well, I will see you tomorrow… Don’t worry, we’ll find a nice place that allows cats. Everything will be just fine… Love you too.” PU Doug Four flips his phone shut.

Doug looks a bit dejected but pretends that he didn’t over hear this conversation. “Man this has been the best day ever,” Doug says as he offer PU Doug Four another beer.

PU Doug Four looks guilty as he declines Doug’s offer. “That was Rebecca,” he bashfully admits.

Doug no longer hides his disappointment, “I know.” He shifts his attention to the label on his beer bottle.

“She wants to try moving in together,” PU Doug Four continues to explain. “I don’t know, I think it might be time to give a grown up relationship a chance.”  

Doug bitterly grabs his beer and stands to head over to the mattress in defeat. “Yeah… no… that makes total sense.”

PU Doug Four watches as Doug gets to the mattress and throws PU Doug Five to the ground again. He has a seat next to PU Doug Six.

“Hey, I saw that Showgirls is going on Cinemax,” Doug announces avoiding eye contact with PU Doug Four.

“Really! I love that movie,” PU Doug Six proclaims.

“Yeah, me too,” Doug says with mock enthusiasm as he takes the remote and flips through the channels.

PU Doug Four has a look of sorrow as he grabs his book of poems and heads out to the front door. He catches Doug’s attention as he nods to say good bye and disappears the moment that his entire body crosses the threshold.