heartless - adachi yuto

eighteen

"I almost killed her, I almost killed her," Lord Yuto said furiously, breathing deeply.

Despite Lord Yuto's orders for Nao to come in the morning, Nao came to his room following the conversation between Kin and him. She figured that he would not be in a good mood, so she followed him to his bedroom to check on him. When she found him, he was a dark red color and practically fuming. 

"I'm glad you didn't," Nao said softly, "you let her speak, you let her complain. A lot of the maids here have complaints but are too afraid to tell you them. Even though it was rude for Kin to yell at you, you gave the other maids the idea that they should not be afraid to speak to you as well." 

"She shouldn't have raised her voice or insulted me," Lord Yuto emphasized, looking into Nao's face. "Does she really think she can take control of me like that? Do you see what happens when I'm soft and nice? People control me." 

"She did not control you, she was angry," Nao explained, "the poor woman has not seen her family in years. She is in a lot of pain as of now, considering around this time of year five years ago she was taken captive. Please understand where her burst of anger came from, instead of getting angry at it." 

Lord Yuto tried to breathe steadily, but his frustration was getting a hold of him. He was humiliated in front of a bunch of his maids, and he was supposed to pretend that nothing bad happened. He wanted to call a guard and have Kin strangled to death or drowned or stabbed to death. He hated that he needed to act so sweet to people, he lived off the fact that people feared him. It gave him power, it gave him thrill to see that people worshipped him. He didn't know if he could handle this transition from feared to loved so easily.

Nao, who was standing silently by the door, walked over to Lord Yuto and pressed his hand on his chest, forcing him to sit down on his large bed. He immediately pushed her hand away, shoving her. 

"Don't touch me!" He yelled. 

Nao did not listen, she forced Lord Yuto back down his bed and held him by the shoulders. His breathing was rapidly increasing, and his heart was pounding harder than before. 

"I said stop touching me!" He screeched again. 

Nao's hands held his face, holding his head in place. He couldn't breathe, he didn't know what to do, his hands shook from the amount of anger was in, he couldn't even remember what he was angry about. 

"H-Help," he mumbled, his head spinning. 

"Look at me," Nao said softly, "look straight into my eyes and no where else." 

Lord Yuto wanted to fight it, but he found himself staring back into Nao's eyes, trying to get a grip on reality. He felt this sudden emptiness as he tried to connect himself with the real world, but he couldn't focus, he couldn't do anything. 

"Yuto, focus on me," Nao said, "focus on me, Yuto. Don't think about anything else." 

Lord Yuto's hands held onto the sleeves of Nao's sleeping gown, as he thought about nothing but Nao's eyes. He thought about how dark her brown eyes were, how they were striking yet soft and easy to gaze at. He focused on how they did not leave his own eye, and how calming it felt to look at her. 

Gradually, after a few minutes, Nao realized that Lord Yuto's breathing had returned to normal. His fingers were still trembling around the fabric of her sleeping gown, but his breathing had returned to normal. 

"Are you feeling better?" Nao asked, her voice barely above a whisper. 

"What happened?" Lord Yuto asked, his eye not leaving Nao's.

"You had an anxiety attack, Lord Yuto," Nao said, "you were so stressed about what happened in the maids' quarter earlier that you just lost control of your breathing and yourself overall. You cannot be bringing stress to yourself like this. This idea that you will lose power as you become nicer is ridiculous, Lord Yuto, people will still respect you just as much as you want them to." 

Lord Yuto's hands traveled up to Nao's small wrists. Nao thought he would yank her away, but he instead wrapped his fingers around them gently.

"What if they don't respect me?" Lord Yuto asked. "When I am feared, people don't do anything to me because they fear me."

"People have tried to assassinate you, Lord Yuto, because of the idea that you are so cruel," Nao reminded him. 

"Maybe they're right, maybe I shouldn't be in power, maybe I should die," Lord Yuto's breathing began to quicken again. Nao rubbed her thumb against his face to remind him that she was still looking at him.

"Death is not the answer," Nao told him, "because even if you were to die, they look to you for advice when it comes to war and where the money should be distributed. Although Admiral Wooseok leads the army, you are the one he goes to about where he should send his next fleet and if it is a good idea. Zuko used to have a bad economy, but when you came to power, it improved. The people may act like they want you dead, but deep down, they know that they are thriving off your power."

Lord Yuto couldn't say a word. 

"And even if they don't ever want you," Nao continued, "I want you. I want you here with me, leading this nation. I want you to continue to give me orders and wake me up at the dead of night to feed you. I want you to pester me and complain about how much the cream I put on your skin stings and I want you to continue to be your maid, Lord Yuto, because it brings me the utmost joy to work for you knowing that you're alive." 

Again, Lord Yuto couldn't say anything. 

"I would throw myself in front of an angry mob of townspeople, I would drink poison, I would fight in war, I would do anything if that meant you would live to see another day, Lord Yuto," Nao admitted, "so if you have to live for anyone, please let it be me." 

"You're crazy," Lord Yuto mumbled, "being so willing to throw your life away just for my sake." 

"It's what people do for others when they love and care about them, Lord Yuto," Nao answered. 

Lord Yuto closed his eyes, and Nao leaned away from him, his hands still around her wrists. 

"I can't transition fast," Lord Yuto mumbled, "and I need to marry soon as well, I-I-"

"You should choose your own pace, not the pace that anyone else decides for you," Nao advised him, "You need to be comfortable with it. Today was just a start, Lord Yuto, you do not have to be walking down the streets of Zuko tomorrow handing out chocolates and flowers."

For the first time since she came to the palace, Nao heard Lord Yuto chuckle at her words. It wasn't the sarcastic kind, but one from actual joy. 

"I won't be walking around with chocolates any time soon, too many people will be around me," Lord Yuto ignored her statement, "but I will work on it."

"I'll be around if you need anything, Lord Yuto," Nao reminded him. 

Lord Yuto nodded, turning his vision to where his hands were wrapped around Nao's wrist. With his still shaky hands, he lifted both of Nao's hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to both sets of knuckles. It was a strange gesture for him to do, but it only made sense he thanked her. 

"My mother used to kiss my knuckles when I cried or was in pain," Lord Yuto muttered, his cheeks turning a dark red. "Even though this is my fight, I know that you might also be struggling as well. Find strength, as I will find my own."

Nao smiled in response, silently cheering for Lord Yuto's transition to a happier self. 

Admiral Wooseok stood silently outside of the bedroom, listening to the conversation between Nao and Lord Yuto. He could not wipe the small smile that was across his face, hearing his friend say such kind words and open up to Nao about his mother. 

"I hope you find peace quickly, Yuto, my dear friend."