What is the real meaning of "fake it till you make it"? The purpose of the phrase is that by imitating confidence, competence, and an optimistic mindset, with the hope that it leads to realization of that imitation in an individual's life. But what does an average human being take it for as? "Fake it" could be as considered to be like lying to oneself or others in their life. Once a upon time, I had emotions. Too many, in which that as a result became a target for my bullies, to be used against me.
When I look back at the pictures of little me, they all are filled with tears, tears that soaked through the images with faces of laughter. I wasn't depressed until they made me. I wasn't hurting until they said "crybaby". It was an illusion apparently, the tears soon became a symbol of myself as a weak person.
History was my favorite class. We were taught that the Greeks had everything correct, with the Gods that represented with how a perfect human being should be. Given to that, my favorite was the idea of Aristotle, which is that to be virtuous one must act as a virtuous person would act. Although Aristotle did not have actual evidence of this, he was wise enough to come to the conclusion that acting as if you were something could lead you to become something. I believed it. I trusted it. I wanted to be the strong person, not the weak as they all said.
Bullying brings out another side of a person. It can either break you for life or make you stronger. I wanted to be strongest and for that I felt as if I had to hide everything. I thought that those tears that I've cried were the cause of everything bad in my life. Why take them out when nothing good come out of it. I told myself, next time hold it in. I couldn't. I tried my hardest but the waterworks counted as if the dam my hurtings build wasn't strong enough to hold. I was scared to be weak. So I faked being strong. Next time they looked at me, I turned my head away like I thought I was better than them. They laughed and whispered. I knew I wasn't better. I knew I had my flaws but I pretended I lived the most perfect life. I detached myself from the reality and made my life as "I don't care".
"Fake it till you make it", I did. I pretended to not have feelings. Either if it was happiness or sadness creeping from beneath, I wouldn't show it. Turns out, the phrase is real. Pretending and ignoring makes you realize that you don't know what some feelings actually feel like. I didn't feel the same thing as my middle school friends did. They all had crushes and problems they expressed, I didn't. I couldn't relate to any of it. I didn't know what it was to like a person or having to share my problems with my friends. It didn't make sense to me. When they asked why I never say anything, I wouldn't keep the blank face off. I couldn't reply. They were hurt. I didn't know why at that time. I couldn't understand why it was a big deal to share things that were irrelevant with them. Why would the care? They shouldn't care. Those were my thoughts. I didn't think about the fact that I didn't share anything at all because I couldn't bring myself to bring up any topic. My so called friends didn't count me as a friend. Because friends share everything. I had nothing. I was hurt. Or what I thought was hurt. I still couldn't tell them how their actions were affecting me.
We were a circle, there were 4 of us. But in reality there was 3 of them because I wasn't invited to their hangouts or birthday parties. I was just an inschool friend. A friend they didn't talk to when everyone was around but joked around with. I was an ugly kid with three beautiful friends, the school would say. It didn't make sense to the school, it didn't make to me, I think it made sense to them. We all had one thing in common: hurt.
Those three were popular. One was a beautiful asian with long black hair and the prettiest smile. All the guys in my school wanted her, and she knew it. She was insecure too but had so many boyfriends to hide that. She love the attention, either it was good or bad. She lied about many things to get reactions out of people. To me, it didn't her a bad person. It just meant she was searching for that something she couldn't get at home. Everyone must of thought she was perfect, with her beautiful face and rich parents. She never said it but she was hurting too.
Second was the brainy white girl. She was average looking with her short hair and nerd glasses but wasn't considered to be a nerd. She was beautiful in her own way. She had her share in boyfriends as she was quiet and pretty. She never had a home problem, she was antisocial. Which I always thought was funny because she talked my ear off most of the times. Her insecurities revolved around not having friends. That was a fear she complained about as she expressed her feelings.
The third was another asian. She was the sportiest one out of all of us. She was considered to be one of the guys. She was down to earth and crazy as it gets. Everything that came in her mind, she spoke it. She was struggling with thinking before speaking as most would tell her. She hurt many. She didn't want to and regret it late.
I wanted to fit in. I wanted an identity or something to be know for. So I faked it. I've faked many things. I read books and picked the popular characters that would have many friends. It was usually be the crazy girl who was funny as she was clumsy and goofy. They all accepted me then. I was invited to birthday parties and hangouts and many more. We were all inseparable. Except I wasn't there. I was a new person, but with friends.
