The CraZee Life (Lesbian)

Chapter 13

She cracks a small smile. "It's  so crazy. I've always had sex with girls, but I could never accept that I wasn't... normal. And it was all 'cause my dad was feeding me a bunch of bull." she says. "Like... eventually I accepted that I'm gay and it's never gonna change. The guilt was still there, but I was just beginning to learn to ignore it. I was so focused on trying to change my dad's mind, that I was falling back into my old ways. He kept telling me that being with women is wrong and ramped it up once he heard me tell him that I wasn't worried about what  he thought. I was regressing, Zee."
I look at her, sympathetically. Her eyes were very sad when she said it. "One day he went off on me again, and I went to sleep, and I dreamed about being thrown in Hell, and all I can hear is my dad's voice, on a loop. Eventually the voice turns into these crazy ass creepy voices, but they're telling me the same thing over and over again, and it drove me crazy. Then, when you and the girls came over, I finally had some relief. I just felt so good being around y'all. I didn't have time to drive myself crazy, 'cause y'all kept my attention."
I smile. "I'll have to tell 'em that our mission was accomplished." I tell her.

"So, when we kissed, I had felt the calmest I'd felt all day. I'm not gonna lie, I kept thinking about it. And as long as I thought about it, my head stayed clear of the... voices, or whatever."
"I thought about it, too." I admitted. "A lot."
She chuckles. "I thought about it so much, I had to come see you— see how it would go without being interrupted. So, I was already on go when I made it to your house." She pauses for a second.
I showed her my neck, which was filled with hickeys.
"Don't I know it." I say.
And those were only marks that I could see clearly. The rest blended in too well with my tattoos. She looked at 'em and blushed.
"When we finished, I didn't feel that pang of guilt I usually feel. That really scared me. I think I finally realized, forreal realized, that my dad is wrong. In a world where everything he said and did was always right, knowing that he is wrong completely shook my whole foundation."
I look on in concern as I hear her voice crack. "You good?" I ask.

"I'm fine, it's just.... I feel free, now. I ain't heard those voices since. I'm just confused as to how I felt worse about being with women, than I did about selling drugs. When you think about it, it sounds stupid." she says.

"Not really, I mean... the whole world pushes that idea. You're just unlearning it, that's all."

"Stuff like that irritates me. Religion is such a sham, I swear! That's why I'm giving up religion. It's just an excuse to boss people around for no reason. There's no way on God's green earth that I will listen to somebody else tell me what God loves and hates about me, ever again!"
I furrowed my brows. "Really? You're denouncing Christianity?"
"I'm denouncing religion, period. If there's an issue with one part of it, then it's all a waste of time." she says, with a confident smile.

"Forreal?" I ask, completely surprised at what she was saying.

"Yes, Zee. I wanna be myself with no apologies. No rules. Not claiming a religion doesn't mean I have to go without God. He loves you and me as we are— we don't need religion, to know that." she explains.

"Well, I'm happy for you." I tell her. "So.... does this mean you're not mad at me?"

She chuckled. "I was never mad— you didn't do anything wrong at all. I just had to connect some dots on my own. I'm sorry it took me this long to hit you back." she declared.

I frown slightly. "Why'd you kiss me?" I ask again, trying to get some clarification. She mentioned voices and all that, but she said that being around me calmed all that down. So... what was the kiss for?

She blushed. "I'd been wanting to do that for a while. But I didn't know I was gonna do it, then. And when I did, I liked it, a lot. I did notice some hesitation on your side, though. How come?"

"I wasn't sure if we were ready to cross the friend line. I really felt like you were too fragile to be trying to engage in stuff like that. It makes me feel like I took advantage of your compromised emotional state. It feels kind of icky. You know? It kept me up, too." I admit, shaking my head at myself. "Actually, I'm not all the way sure I've connected all the dots. We'll have to talk, when I do. We'll have to talk about where our relationship is going."

She scrunches her face in confusion. "What do you mean? Nothing has to change. Okay, we had sex... it's fine. Friends do that, sometimes. We don't have to let it get complicated."

I shake my head. "I think the relationship got complicated when I spread my legs open for you." I say. "Now," I began again, changing the subject. "Did that officer ever get in touch with you?"
"Yeah." she answers, clearly mulling over what I just said.

Then she asked me about what I'd been up to in the past week, so I told her I was starting off a business for my sisters.

"Oh, yeah?" she asked. "Tell me all about it."

And so I did.