Living Like This

Thirty

By the time Cas and Aaron were leaving for dinner, Cas had made it almost halfway through the book. Yes, Cas hadn't been very much interested in monsters before this, but this book was fascinating. He found himself totally engrossed by the second chapter and read for five straight hours.

Now, Cas and Aaron were both walking down the cluttered street, looking for a place to eat.

"Are you hungry for anything in particular?" Cas asked.

"Not really. How about there?" Cas looked where Aaron was gesturing and froze for a moment. He hadn't seen that diner in a while, but he still remembered it perfectly. It was where he and Dean had gone when Dean asked him to lunch, the first place Cas had truly felt wanted. Cas smiled at the memory.

"That would be perfect," he said.

Cas and Aaron sat across from each other at a table, both eating burgers.

"I'm glad things are getting back to normal. Things had gotten crazy over the past few months, and I was starting to worry. You know I don't like change," Aaron said, smiling. Cas smiled back at him sadly.

"I know. I don't much like it either," he said. Aaron reached across the table and squeezed Cas' hand affectionately.

"I know things have never been perfect, but I hope our relationship won't suffer for it. I love you," Aaron said. Cas opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again.

"I love you too," he said finally. Aaron beamed at him.

***

By the time the two of them got home, Cas was feeling... almost happy. They'd had a lovely night out together, and Aaron had been so kind to him the whole time. Cas pulled off his coat and hung it inside the door as they came in, heading to the kitchen to put the remains of their dessert in the refrigerator.

When Cas came back out to the living room, Aaron quickly walked up to him and kissed him passionately. Cas kissed him back, but when Aaron's hand went to Cas' belt, Cas pulled away.

"I don't really feel like it tonight," he whispered. Aaron kissed Cas' neck.

"C'mon, Cas," he said.

"I'm sorry, I've just been-" Aaron kissed Cas. Cas pulled away again. "I've been having nightmares a lot and I really don't want to." Aaron gave him an annoyed look.

"Cas, can't you just play along? You don't even have to do anything if you don't want to, that's fine," Aaron said, unbuttoning Cas' shirt. Cas' heartbeat was starting to pick up.

"Aaron, please, I don't want to," Cas repeated. Aaron's hand tightened where it had been resting on Cas' hip, his fingernails digging into Cas' flesh. "Ow! Aaron, you're hurting me!" Cas exclaimed. Aaron pushed Cas backwards into their bedroom.

"Cas, you really need to learn to lighten up. You're lucky I bothered to take the time to deal with you, you're so high maintenance! Just lie down for fuck's sake!" Aaron yelled. Cas cowered against the wall.

"Aaron, please! I- I- I don't w-want to," Cas whimpered. Aaron grabbed Cas roughly and threw him down onto the bed, pulling his shirt all the way off. Cas squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to cry. He shouldn't fight, fighting would only make it worse.

***

Cas sat on the couch, staring at the wall, a blank look of shock on his face. His whole body was sore, Aaron had shown no mercy. Cas couldn't believe it. Aaron had his faults, but he had always, always, respected Cas' right to refuse. Sometimes he'd pressed and sometimes he'd gotten mad, but he'd never... he'd never gone on anyway before. Never. Until now.

Cas realized he was shivering and tip-toed back into the bedroom, being careful not to wake Aaron up, to get a sweater. He wasn't sure where to find one... he began to dig through a box left over from his time at Dean's place. He found a sweater at the bottom, but he was sure it wasn't his. Dean must have accidentally put it in with Cas' things. Cas pulled it over his head. The sweater was too big for him, but he didn't mind. Sweaters were better that way. Cas tip-toed back out to the couch and sat down again, leaning his head against the back of the couch and resuming his staring at the wall. He wasn't sure how long he stayed that way before he went to put his phone in one of the pockets of the sweater and felt a crumpled piece of paper. He pulled the paper out and smoothed it out as best he could. It had his name at the top.

Cas sat up a little straighter and began reading.

Cas,
I'm not good with sentimental crap so I'll try to keep this short and to the point. I'm sorry I couldn't keep you away from Aaron. He's an asshole and I should've been able to protect you. But I still love you, and I always will. If you ever wake up and see how horrible this guy is, I'll be here. But until then, goodbye. And Cas, be brave. I know that doesn't come naturally to you, but please. Just try.
Dean

Cas stared at the paper, taking it in. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to have seen it or Dean just forgot it was there, but he spent what seemed like an eternity staring at it, reading and re-reading it. Would Dean have ever forced himself on Cas? Cas had a hard time believing it.

***

Cas hadn't realized the sun had come up until Aaron walked out of their room, startling Cas out of his emotional coma.

"Good morning Cas. I'm sorry if I upset you last night," Aaron said.

"If?" Cas asked quietly. Aaron stopped and looked around at Cas, who was still staring at Dean's note. "If? Aaron, you know me. You know everything. How did you think raping me was going to do anything good?" Cas demanded quietly, standing up. Aaron blinked.

"Cas, what's wrong?" he asked. Cas shook his head, tears coming to his eyes.

"Aaron, I..." be brave. "I can't do this anymore. I have loved you for years, but I just can't anymore. Not after that. G-Goodbye, Aaron." And with that, Cas turned and walked out the front door, leaving Aaron standing in the living room, shocked and finally alone.