Monster You Made//Loki Fan Fiction

It's Not Over, Say It's Not Over

I never imagined how it was for Steve being put under during a war and then coming to and having everyone say that we won until now. The restlessness of having missed the very thing I clung to, what my mind yearned and my body craved was enough to drive a person mad. I missed a pivotal moment for who I am as a person. That war was to be a defining moment for me. Was I good or evil? If it came down to killing the person I wanted dead more than anything, could I have enough courage to let them live? Granted I wasn’t put under for seventy years and generations didn’t pass while I was unconscious, I could still feel the essence of something missing. The war might have been it, but deep down, missing the battle I so desperately wanted to unleash my rage on was just icing on the deliciously depressing cake that was my life.

I lay on a white hospital bed at S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters with a heart monitor hooked up to me. I didn’t mind the needles and in a sadistic and masochistic way, I liked the way the cold metal felt as it crept under my skin. I dipped my head back and looked to the blinding lights above then squinted until they were blurry lines in the slits of my eyes. They reminded me of the tails on comets, streaking across the night sky; a trail of hot flames that followed the ball of fire. My life was like fire. A small spark of anger ignited early in life and kindled in my heart, refusing to be put out but still lacking the oxygen to grow until that night with Billy and his friends. When I left the strangled life I was living and ventured into the world, the fire grew into a blazing inferno and I used it to destroy the type of people who lit me up in the first place. I let myself get too close to people that I cared about and watching that fizzle out was life watching flames crawl up a curtain, starting slow then speeding up, and then before anyone knows it, all you have is a pile of ash and memories. But then I opened up to a frost giant who tried to get me to love, and everyone knows what happens when fire mixes with frost: it melts. I melted away his cold heart and soul but he refused to leave when I didn’t want to allow myself to love…and he got burned. I burned him.

“Anastasia?” I heard a voice call from beside me. I dipped my head toward it and saw Clint. His bow was slung over his shoulder and his quiver strapped across his back. Blood and dirt trailed his face and I could see the trouble in his eyes.

“Is everyone okay? Thor, Tony, Natasha? Bruce and Steve and Fury?” I panicked.

“They’re all fine. They’re here but didn’t want to come in if you were going to send vaccines and scalpels soaring through the air,” Clint joked. I shook my head and reassured him that I was under control. He waved the others in and I scanned the group. The only person who looked remotely upset was Thor and I could tell he was just trying to stay strong for me. The others knew. They had to have known because I saw Natasha’s face dropping a little, as she tried to keep a cheery expression on for me. Bruce wouldn’t look at me in the eyes because he of all people understands the pain of loss and does not want to be reminded. Steve was silent and somber as he would have been if he had lost a soldier he was not familiar with. Fury hated Loki and as far as I’m concerned doesn’t take much of a liking to me either but he did offer a small nod before leaving to take care of responsibilities. Tony looked at me with respect and sorrow, like a brother would a sister who lost her lover.

“We got you something,” Natasha said in her sweet voice, the one that sounded like an older sister trying to cheer up the younger one. Tony pulled out a stuffed tiger from behind his back and Steve offered me packages of chocolate.

“We’re sorry, for the loss,” Bruce said finally looking to my eyes. “For both of you,” he added then directed his attention at Thor who was beginning to tear up.

“Thor doesn’t get a stuffed animal and candy?” I tried to joke then lightly laughed at myself. The others followed and for a moment, the tension was at ease, but he was gone, and that emptiness wouldn’t go away. The dull, numb feeling that spread over my body was eternal, just as death is.

“Thank you all so much,” I said lightly then pulled the needles from my veins.

“We talked to Fury and with the help from so assistants, we’ve managed to get you a new place, since, well, yours was destroyed in the battle-”

“What about my books?” I asked quickly.

“They’re safe, well some of them. I do believe that The Grapes of Wrath didn’t make it to the end,” Tony said putting a huge box on the foot of the bed.

“That’s okay, neither did half the characters in the book anyways.” It hit me like a ton of bricks when I pictured his black hair and vivacious eyes, the menacing grin and taunting smirk. Everything he was or could have been is gone… and that’s burden I will forever bear.

The door creaked open and three small children charged me while their parents sauntered in behind them.

“Calelle, Zachary, Chris!” I called to them. “Lex, Will, what are you doing here?” I asked them sounding more confused than grateful.

“We’re here to take you home,” they said with genuine smiles. I looked past them to the Avengers and they all nodded.

“We want you to be happy, start over maybe. Now that you know who you are, you don’t have to pretend to be normal. Malekith and Alflyse won’t be bothering you anymore. You can start a new life,” Tony explained. I got up and hugged him and the others then sat back down on the bed, desperately wishing they’d leave so I could start to cry. Tony took the hint and ushered them away then turned back and kissed the side of my head then whispered to me: “page five.” He scooted out the door and I reached in the box to find my leather picture book. Turning the pages over through my hand I quickly scanned the pictures then stopped as my fingers grazed over the newest addition to my family portrait page. Before it was a yellowed page, withered with tears and bleeding ink, an old photograph of my mother, father and sister centered in the yellowing page, but now, a freshly printed picture was stuck to the page next to my family. I didn’t recognize it at first, but when I looked closer, I could make out what it was.

I was on the ground with my eyes shut tight, my body was tense and I was clearly scared. A lanky, pale man with long, black hair was crouched beside me, his fingertips grazing my temples as his eyes looked down at my helpless body. His face was conflicted but he knew what he was doing was right. Tony must have taken this when I was in Loki’s safe haven during my panic attack one of the first nights he was on Earth.

I studied the picture intently, as if focusing on every detail of his face and body, how he walked, held himself, spoke and even his laugh could possibly bring him back. Maybe if I had enough hope, he wouldn’t be dead. It was stupid and illogical, but loss makes a person do stupid and illogical things. I know that now. I know why Loki invaded and attacked New York last year. Rather than losing a person, he had lost himself and wanted to find a new way. But that’s not me nor my situation.

The longer I sat on the bed staring at the picture, the more I imagined him sitting with me. His long thin legs bent inward as he perched himself cross-legged across from me, tilting my chin up toward his face with his index finger and thumb, whispering, ‘It’s alright, Anastasia. I promise you now…no more tricks,’  feeling his cold breath on my cheeks as his face closed in on mine and the his icy lips as the touched my sweltering ones. Tears poured down my face and I knew then that I could never get over this. I would never get over him. I lost the one person I thought to be close enough to love. He gave me hope, showed me trust, and taught me love, then took it all away, and that triumph then utter defeat, that pain and loss is more than enough to turn some into a monster.

That’s what I am. So take a good look at me now. Do you still recognize me? Am I so different inside? Erase this mondeter I've become and forgive me for all the damage done. It’s not over, say it’s not over. I’m begging for mercy because I’m only the monster he made me.

Thank you for sticking with Anastasia until the end and stay tuned this week for the beginning of my Loki perspective book "Burried Beneath" which will futher explain and set up for the sequal to both "Monster You Made" and "Burried Beneath" which will be named when I finish the Loki book :) PLEASE share this with your friends who like Loki or the avengers or fan fic. :) and give me your thoughts, in depth, no depth, anything really