King of Nothing

Now

Casey and I are sitting on her couch with absolutely nothing to talk about. She had just gotten home from working with Liz so she found me in my usual alleyway and invited me into her apartment to marathon season one of her favorite British television show. 

I mean, Casey is trying to spark up a conversation with me, but after I flipped out at her the other day, I can't bring myself to say anything to her. I just feel too awkward, now. 

"How come you never told me?" Casey asks. 

No answer. She waits another five minutes until she says something else.

"Hey, you can't ignore me forever you know." Casey snorts as she says this.

Again, I give her no response. The next time Casey says something, it is ten minutes later.

"SAY SOMETHING! Yeah, you have cancer, but that doesn't make you any more less of a human! We are equal. You aren't any more special or important to me. You are the same as you have always been. So stop moping around and connect with people, and maybe all your pain would dissipate." Casey lectures me. 

I reply just for the sake of her shutting up, "Alright, alright...there is no need to be so rude about it." I argue.

"Obviously there was, because that was the only time you answered me. Now that I have your attention, can we please talk some more about yourself. All we've done has been centered around me and I am not important whatsoever, so can I please learn some more about you? That is how friendship works you know." Casey explains. 

Damn, I know how 'friendship' works. "Sorry, don't blame me for not having very many friends," I joke. "Now what do you want to know? Ask anything." I say, trying to be a little bit more aware and friendly to what people say to me. 

"Well lets start this off easy. What were your parents like?" She asks.I scratch my chin for a moment while Sherlock drones on in the background.

"My father was a burly man that smelt like coffee and cigarettes. He acted as if he was straight out of the novel Great Gatsby (saying old sport and all.) He always helped me pursue my goals and always made me feel better when I was feeling down. There wasn't a second of the day where he didn't have his nose ploughed deep into a book. My mom, she always had her bright red lipstick on and spanked you if you did something stupid. She made sure I did my homework, and made sure I was obediant. I thank both of them for that because without them I wouldn't have survived the growing up stage of my life." Just thinking of my parents creates a huge grin on my face.

"Okay, good, good. This is great. Now I want you to tell me an embarrassing story of yours." Casey guffaws when she requests this one. 

"Oh, I know just the right one. I was in highschool and I had this major crush on this girl. I noticed that she was in the school's choir, so I chased after her, joining as well. I was a terrible singer, while she had a voice like satin. I managed to survive for half the school year. That was until we had to do a rehearsal in front of the entire school. When I got up on stage in front of the entire school, I got so nervous I through up on the girl I liked, in front of everyone in the school. The girl rushed off the stage and never appeared. The next year she moved schools and to this day I don't know if it was because of me or because her parents moved houses or something like that." Casey and I go silent for a moment, then burst out laughing and this goes on for five minutes straight. 

Then, Casey carries on to asking me questions, "How do you feel about your cancer?" 

"Sad, to be honest. I don't care about the dying part. I just care about the dying too early. I did some very bad things before I ended up on the streets. So I chose to come here and be homeless as a punishment of mine. I'm just pissed off that my cancer will kill me before my punishment has enough time to do justice." Casey is in shock when I say this. 

"What were this terrible things you did?" She asks, hungry for more answers.

"I'm not comfortable with sharing that right now, perhaps she would save that for another day." I explain, Casey seems to understand. 

Then it hits me, and it hits me hard. Casey was right, connecting with people can help me. Casey did what I thought was impossible. She made me forget, she made me forget my past, and the cancer. She made me consider living, when I was so focused on dying.