Heart of Ice

Hysteria

He kissed her, and she let him. She could not bring herself to turn her face away and ask him to stop. She was enjoying the intimacy. She was enjoying the sparks that travelled through her body as he moved his lips against hers.

He stopped a minute later, pulling away just enough to look at her.

"I feel like I've lost all self-control," Wonwoo said to her. "I'm a composed person, Yewon, but not when it comes to you."

She felt like she herself had lost her self-control as well. If she could control herself, she would have pushed him away and yelled at him, telling him to never try anything like that again. But she couldn't do that, because she enjoyed it, and also because she didn't want to disappoint him.

How she wished he were the heir. He would make a better King and a better husband than Seungcheol. He was kinder, less irrational, more considerate.

He leaned in again and kissed her cheek before pulling back again.

"Yewon, please speak," he told her when he saw how silent she became. "I want to know what you're thinking. Do you hate me?"

"I could never hate you, Wonwoo," she said, shaking her head.

"What are you thinking then?"

"I'm thinking about how I wish I didn't have to feel guilty about this," Yewon replied. "Because I like you so much, Wonwoo. I wish you were the heir, because I want to be married to you."

She saw Wonwoo smile.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Finally," he said. "Finally, I know you feel the same way about me."

"You didn't know?"

"You never told me."

"I thought you knew."

"I'm a man, Yewon. I only know what I hear. I can't draw conclusions from the things you've indirectly told me. But now, you've said it, and that's all that matters to me," Wonwoo said, still smiling.

"How does you knowing this change things?"

"Well, now, I won't be afraid of doing everything I can to have you," he reached out for her hand.

"Let's just stop," she said quickly, pulling her hand away, "let's just forget about everything and stop. Please."

Wonwoo pulled back his hand, "one day, I'll make you happy, Yewon. But I guess today is not the day."

-

The rest of the day dragged by slowly. Yewon felt so guilty for what had happened with Wonwoo that she resolved not to speak to him again for fear it would encourage him. But that was easier said than done. Without having Wonwoo to talk to, it was so boring, and Yewon felt like she was going crazy because of it. The entire day she spent tearing splinters from the crates, playing with pieces of rice that had fallen from the sack, and banging her head against the wall. She even deliberately hurt herself with the splinters on the crates, because she would have much rather felt pain than feel nothing at all.

Truly, one does not know the power of boredom until they fully experience it like Yewon did: trapped in a small space for weeks with absolutely nothing to do but wait. It was like each second was an extra pound on her shoulders, drowning her quicker and quicker into a deep sea of despair and madness.

She truly did feel like going mad. She felt like she wanted to scream. She wanted to get out of that basement and back into the light. She wanted to see something other than the export crates and sacks, she wanted to do something other than sit around and play with her clothes, she wanted to talk to someone.