Heart of Ice

Happened

She had read so much about this experience– mostly positive things (perhaps because in most cases, the female character is in love with the man with whom this experience is shared). Yewon had always wondered whether the novels she read were misleading in that regard. Is this bodily union with another person truly as exhilarating as was often portrayed?

Soonyoung did not hold back when it came to his attempts to pleasure her, but even with all of his touches and gentle reassurances, there was a restraint on her part that was difficult to overcome. It was not as magical as it was in the novels, but it was also not quite unpleasant, especially given the extent he went to please her.

Soonyoung was experienced; he seemed to know exactly what to do and when to do it. He seemed to understand when she was in pain and when she was stimulated, and he adjusted accordingly. He seemed to know how to make it as comfortable as something like that could be.

The true discomfort came after he was finished, collapsing at her side on the bed, the sound of his heavy breathing close to her ear. For a long time, they both just lied on their backs, staring at the ceiling, not saying a word to one another. Thinking about what had just transpired made her feel uncomfortably numb on the inside.

Each breath he took made her wince all of the sudden, like a constant reminder of how messed up this was.

It took many minutes before Soonyoung finally got up from her side. She pulled the covers over her body timidly and turned her back to him as he cleaned and dressed himself.

"We need to burn the sheets," was the first thing Soonyoung said to her. "We should have thought ahead and did it over a towel." His tone was lighthearted, as if her were telling a joke. Yewon appreciated his attempts at alleviating the awkward atmosphere, but it wasn't going to work, she thought.

He sighed when she didn't respond.

"I know you want me to leave," he said. "But the guards will come in as soon as I leave. So you have to get up and get dressed." She just pulled the covers closer over her body. "I'll close my eyes," he added jokingly.

When she still didn't say anything, he walked over to her side of the bed and knelt down so that his eyes levelled with hers. Yewon pulled the covers over her face. She couldn't even bear to look at him.

"Come on," he moped. "You're making me feel bad..."

She didn't reply.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked with concern.

"That's not it," she muttered from behind the sheets, not wanting to make him feel guilty. "I just feel dirty and ashamed."

"You shouldn't feel that way," Soonyoung told her. "It's not like you're not doing this because you want to have an affair. You're doing this because you have to..."

An affair– that was exactly what this was. She hadn't even thought of it like that until Soonyoung mentioned it, and it made her feel even sicker.

"Seungcheol also had an affair," Soonyoung reminded her. "So you shouldn't feel guilty."

Yewon didn't really want to reason with Soonyoung right now. The fact of the matter was she felt nauseated now, and no amount of comfort was going to reverse it, especially if that comfort came from him.

"I'm sorry you had to go through this," he told her. "And I'm sorry if it didn't feel good. I tried."

She didn't reply, and he sighed.

"I'm going to sit in the corner with my eyes closed and my back turned until you tap my shoulder, okay?"

She heard him walk to the far corners of the room and sit on the floor. She uncovered her face and sat up to find him indeed seated in the corner with his back to her, his arms around his crossed legs. She took a moment to gather herself before getting up and cleaning herself with the dry towels and sheets around her. She got dressed, feeling dirty and in desperate need of a bath. But she knew she didn't have the luxury of bathing right now; she was a hostage after all.