Undercover (Phan)

Chapter 22

A/N: Will I ever stop writing in English class? Probably not.

Dan's POV

I don't know why I told Phil I'd be spending Christmas with my grandparents on Christmas. Why did I tell him my dad was working on Christmas anyway? That'll only make him take pity on me. In actuality, yes, I will be alone on Christmas...but he didn't need to know that! It's gotten to the point where me being an emotional wreck is making me say things that I don't want to say.

I thought Phil could fix me, but I only feel worse.

That isn't his fault though.

Whose is it then?

Or is it anyone's?

Is it my own fault for allowing myself to become so vulnerable?

It's the fault of whoever killed Thirty-One. His death is what made me this way.

When I get text messages from Phil, I smile. I think, in some way, he wants to help me. Maybe that's where I'm getting it wrong. Phil can't fix me; I have to fix myself...but he can help me. That much I know. More importantly, he wants to help me. That's something that completely baffles me. He's willing to take time out of his own life to help someone who's potentially a lost cause not feel so lost. 

He's making me feel like I'm worth something.

He's making me feel.

And that could kill me.

I've continued pondering whether or not I should try flirting with him now that I've found out he's gay and have actually found myself feeling guilty about it. I've found myself apprehensive to kill him. But I have to! There's a reason Eden sent me after him. He's not to be trusted! Phil is clearly putting on some kind of show with the intent of getting me to fall for it, right? It's all an act, it must be. But why would it be? It's not like he knows I'm an Eden agent. Nevertheless, I was sent to kill him for a reason. We kill the bad guys. Phil is a bad guy.

Yet when I get a text from him on Christmas Eve, the smile that makes its way across my face is almost something that I can't control. It's almost an instinct. I get a text from Phil - I smile. I see Phil - I smile. I think of Phil - I smile.

It's a nice change to smile, I'll admit. Ever since the horrible excuse for a Christmas party at Eden, I've spent most days and nights sobbing in fits of fear, trying to crawl my way out of spiraling existential crises, sitting in a black pit of despair, confusion and fear. Questions ring through my head, I can't think straight, I don't know what to do, the only thing I feel is fear.

I don't know what to do.

The only thing I feel is fear.

Seeing as today is Christmas Eve, I decided I would at least try today. Try to be productive, try to make myself happy, try to eat; try to do something. I showered, I had a small breakfast; I put on some comfortable clothes and opened a book. After a while, I got bored, so I went to my piano and played for a while. I felt calmer while playing it, more content. I didn't go through the trouble of trying to teach myself something new, as that always seems to frustrate me until I can get it right, and I figured today I shouldn't be frustrating myself. So I played things that I already knew, but allowed myself to get lost in the music and even attempt to improvise in ways that I knew how to do. That helped for a little while...

Eventually though, as the evening grew close, I began to realize that I didn't really do a whole lot. I could have snuck into Phil's house and killed him somehow. I could have done something productive to help with my job, but no. I just read a book and played my piano. What would Head-Honcho think of me if he were to see the shape I'm in? He would immediately regret promoting me. He would regret giving me a position of such high power. He would probably kill me.