Knives

I'm Losing This Round

I wake with some sort of hollow feeling inside. It is the day after Clove told me me her news. I don't really remember how I let but I know that I wanted to quickly. I chose not to make a scene even though I could have. It feels like I'm in a boxing match like I'm stuck on this round and everything I do is horribly futile. There seems to be nothing I can say to make her change her mind. All my might seems to have turned to dust and there is nothing I could do.

At Training the next morning, I look at her. Usually an easy task but now? A total hardship. Some sort of guilt and grief succumbs me and I am washed into a tsunami where I can't breathe. The only way for me to survive is when I let Clove volunteer. So I choose to die. The mind tidal wave stops and I am back at the Academy with a sword in my hand and Denver by my side. The clatters from my hand like it was radiating me with some sort of shock and the room goes silent. I can feel the eyes of all my subject boring into my back.

"I don't feel like training today," I say rather loudly, not for the attention but so everybody isn't clueless. I see a rush of black. Clove just looked over at me. Several jaws drop but most are in awe as I run from the room. I want to do something to distract me but nothing comes to mind. My heart pounds in every inch of my shivering body. This is too much to handle. I keep thinking about Clove. I keep seeing her die at the hands of a brutal sword-wielding Career like me. I don't want it to seem like I don't think she is seton because she is. But maybe not strong enough.

"Affleck?" I hear a familiar voice.

"Arbus," I sigh, turning back round. I am not even far from the Academy doors but I am out of sight from anyone inside.

"Why did you run off?" He asks, his voice gentle like a summer breeze. I feel like I can be open with the man so I tell him.

"Clove is going to volunteer," I say, my own tone sounding rough and hoarse against his velvet words. It is hard in the first place to get the words out because of the horrible images and thoughts they bring but when I do, I feel triumphant. He breathes - it sounds like a sigh but the sadness of a sigh is not present. Maybe he's just thinking. It is what Arbus does: goes into deep thought and stays there for quite a while. I hope that he will advise me on what to do.

"You know this for a fact?" He asks and I nod. "Then, Cato, there is nothing that you can do but let Clove volunteer and feel proud for her. I recommend that instead of volunteering yourself this time, you sort out some kind of system to do it in consecutive years." After that, I watch him trail slowly back into the building and vanish from my view. What he said was wise but I don't feel helped. I want to find someone that'll help me in this tough situation and it comes to me instantly.

Part of me - some small and idiotic part - wanted Clove to follow me when I left the Academy. The sensible segment, however, knows that she didn't for a perfectly good reason: knowledge. She knows what is going on and because it is concerning her and her actions alone, she did not want to tamper with the situation. I reach across my torso and brush my legs. The ground is dewy because it is a spring morning.

"What do I do?" I say quietly, hoping that no one is witnessing what I'm doing. They'd think I'd been overcome by utter lunacy if they did. The wind whistles softly in my ears but soon dies down.

"Mum..." I whisper. No reply. I am sat on the grass before Mother's aged grey headstone. Normally, tears would fall but I don't feel sad right now. I only feel desperate and in need. "This is the point where you are supposed to help me." And with that, the wind rushes again and I shiver.

"Cato," Her gentle voice is so familiar and comforting to me. I turn around and she is behind me, walking over. "Wow. Standing at your own grave sure feels weird." Her laugh is like a ray of exotic sunshine. When she was alive, she could easily light up every room she entered. I chuckle slightly along with her but the feeling isn't good because being next to her grave reminds me that she is gone and her picture being here is just my stupid imagination.

"Yeah," I say. "Mum, I have something to ask you?" There's a pause.

"Yes, dear," She replies.

"I'm in love with a girl called Clove and I have been since the day I saw her. But when the time comes, she is going to volunteer. The two things wrong are her probably dying and wanting to enter myself. What do I do Mum?" It all comes out in some form of mumbled sigh but Mother understands. She always did. I can almost see the cogs turning in her mind as she begins to process an answer for me. I don't know what it'll be but if she is anything like she always used to be, it will be very helpful. Soon, she opens her mouth to speak but I blink and she is gone.

"Mum?" I ask, my voice cracking. She doesn't answer or come out from hiding. So, it is like it always has been: Mother has gone forever and I am, once again, on my own. Right now, Clove isn't my priority. All I can think about is Mum. I peer around and the lonely atmosphere creeps up on me. It's is like she was never here in the first place.

Hey guys! Poor Cato. Everything in his life seems to be turning out rubbish but don't worry, there are some good things to come! Remember to vote and comment - all the usual things. Thanks!

~Lauren feels bad for Cato