camren smut and things

Camren

LAUREN POV
Weirdly, I still have the growing butterflies in my stomach when I step onto a stage. You'd think after having a solo career for almost two years' I'd gain the confidence, or the courage but I yet haven't. Hours ago I was sitting on a tall stool, multiple people burning my head with heat curlers, and a young women making my face look less sleep deprived and stressed. As I wait behind a curtain, I am distracted by the television near me. It shows the people behind set what is going on in front of the cameras, live. I watch as Normani, Dinah and Ally happily talk about their lives and how strong they have been. I of course feel a blanket of guilt wrap around me. The warmth my tears bring on my cheeks brings me out of my thoughts. I wipe away the tears, carefully not messing up my makeup, and I continue through backstage. Before having a chance to gather myself mentally, I am gently tugged onto stage. I'm welcomed with a roar of applause. As I wave to the crowd and the talk show host, I try my best to avoid the awkward stare amongst the girls I've once left.

"Thank you for having me," I smile hugging James.

"No, thank you for coming, take a seat," his British accent somehow eases the tension I'm slowly swallowing. Normani, Dinah and Ally were tightly squeezed together on the lower couch, so I decided to take the stool near James. The crowd continued to clap and cheer until they were hushed by James microphone.

"Lauren," he smiles at me. "You look great!"

"Thank you thank you! As do you," I give a reassuring smile. I have yet to look at the girls, but I can feel their stares.

"It's been almost three years since all four of you have been on a stage together!" James points out the obvious. "How does it feel?"

Normani speaks first. "I've got to admit it's weird, but definitely not different."

"Well I'd hope for a Fifth Harmony album with Lauren featuring on a few songs!" James laughs, gathering the crowd's laughter. "I know I'm not the only one thinking it!" I awkwardly laugh, looking at the girls across from me who seem just as uncomfortable as I do.

"That would be nice!" Ally giggles, breaking the tension between us.

"Well ladies," James pauses waiting for the crowd to become silent. "I have a surprise for the four of you," he gives a devilish smile. Making the butterflies once again grow in my stomach. I watch as Normani, Dinah and Ally look at each other and anxiously awaits. As do I.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," James points to the staircase behind us, and my mouth dropped in awe.

"Hi!" Her long, bouncy curls are pulled into a ponytail. Her porcelain skin hasn't changed one bit, and her smile felt almost like it was some strangers. But it looked so familiar. A weird feeling had overcome me as I watched her walk down the stairs and to the stool next to mine. 

"Camila Cabello," James says as he also watches the beaut take her seat. "How are you?"

The crowd hushed once more, waiting for the answer we all wanted to know. "I'm great yeah, just released the tour dates for my debut album! And you know..." she pauses to lick her lips. "My life is great."

"Well that's amazing news Camila." James smiles toward Camila before turning to the other girls across from us. I can see them talking, but the only thing I can hear is the nervousness my heart has been provided with. The pit in my stomach starts to ache. Word vomit has been stuck in my throat since her name was said. I can somehow feel her warmth, her presence but I couldn't dare look at over at her. My heart broke the night she left us. The night she left me. I'd never thought I'd see her again. I never thought I had to. Or needed to. I wasn't ready then, and I feel like I'm just as weak as I was. Looking at her, hearing her voice, thinking of her makes me weak. Why did she come back?

"Lauren do you agree?" I hear Dinah's voice, bringing me out of my train of thought that has now crashed.

"What was it?" I embarrassingly ask.

"You leaving the group wasn't messy?" Ally starts before Dinah can finish.

"No, not at all. I feel the girls and I have a lot of respect for each other. They understood it was time for me to go down my own path." I breathe, and watch as the pressure was off of me and onto Normani and her new clothing line. James moved from conversation to conversation. He asked questions upon questions. The awkward tension had left, and for the first time, everything felt normal. 

James stops the chatter between us and the crowd with the one question I was hoping he'd avoid. "One more bit of gossip before we say goodbye to you ladies..." He sits back in his chair, as if he was getting comfortable. "How's your love life?" His cheesy grin is contagious apparently to Normani and Ally. They spill their beans only minutes after he'd asked the question. Normani had gotten engaged, which might've been news to the world, or the crowd but as for I already knew. Ally also told the story I had heard many times. Her new home she had bought in California that is welcoming her and her newly wed. Dinah skipped the question, for a reason I don't know.

"And for you Lauren? How are you and Lucy? "James unknowingly says. The name ignites a fume inside of me.

"We broke up ages ago," I play it off as if the question he asked me hadn't pissed me off.

"No more second chances or 'back at its'?" He laughs.

"Nope,"

"Well...you have to tell us why not! You can't leave us hanging!"

I look at the girls, who wait for my answer and with the strike of bravery I had.. I looked at Camila. For a noticeably long time. It felt like the first time I'd look at her, and I know talking about Lucy hurts her, so I needed that one strike of bravery before I went a-wall.

"It's just basically being in a relationship that, from the outside to everyone it looks toxic and you shouldn't be together. It's about that conversation and that relationship and how you guys overcome it. It's like you know you shouldn't be together but you want to be together and you want to make it work. But sometimes it just doesn't." I breathe. Some kind of relief blows over me taking the nervousness with it. I look at Camila once more who has been staring at me the whole time. And with every part of me telling me not to, the pain comes up almost like word vomit.

"I feel Lucy didn't work out for me, by no offense she's an amazing girl, but I was crazy in love with someone years back. And I was hurt." I can tell but the look on Normanis face that she's mentally telling me to stop. But somehow, I can't. I want Camila to feel the pain she had given me when she left.

"Was that person close to you?" James tries to dig deeper.

"Very," I swallow the guilt I feel. I look once more to Camila who has the face of a ghost, and has went blank. I can't read her mind but I know she is scared. She's frightened.

"It was actually someone in this room."

"Woah! What!" James places his hands on his cheeks as his mouth drops in awe. Dinah has given me the face of disappointment, along wih Normani. "You must spill now Lauren!" James and the crowd roars for me to open the doors for my skeletons. This is not only ruining my thread hanging friendship with the girls, but every future possibility of getting Camila back. But I had to do this.

I breathe once more, finally feeling something inside me. A hidden secret that has ruined me, finally gets to be brought to light. The consequences no longer matter. I couldn't tell if I had let my anger and need for revenge overcome the living feeling I had to tell this secret.

The breakage in my voice had whispered.."Camren."