We struggle moment to moment. Pain. Confusion. Chaos. Anxiety. Depression. We wind down paths in our minds that lead us to dead ends. How can we endure the unending journey of the mind when it loses its self in the process?
I am losing my mind to the wandering of thought.
Each time I spend dwelling on one topic I find my self falling into the trap of another. If I let my mind wander I stand to lose all control. I must shut it down. Turn off the thinking, turn off the pain. Become numb.
What can relieve my mind from this turmoil? What can I do to make it stop? My mind constantly swirls, ebs and flows, but in so many directions even I myself cannot comprehend.
My mind is a trap. I fear my thoughts.
Stop. This has to stop. I stop. Stop the bombarding attacks I must shut it down. At least for now. I drown my thoughts with music.
I shut the pain out by creating another pain to distract. One cut, then another. The red shows true, my body sheds a tear. This stops the world from spinning for a mere moment.
But then in a rush its starts again and swallows me whole.
I cry out. To anything. To the wind, to the wilderness, to the universe. I can not see past the blinding of my own depths of dispare.
Suddenly in a moment it all stops. I feel a peace. Peace I have never experienced before. I can taste it, I can breathe it in. I am saturated by its presence. In a still small voice I hear, " I am here with you. Be still and know that I am God."
In my journey through these storms I forgot to give my life to the healer, the one who can calm the storm raging in my mind. I realize now that every time my mind starts to spin I can ask my savior to rescue me.
All is at peace. Circumstances are still the same, but my peace does not rest in them. The loving tender peace is bestowed on me and is not dependant on outward things. It is a matter of the heart. I am loved. I am cherished by my Lord.
