Speak To a Girl

Chapter 17

Tim POV:

"I want to!" I scream, feeling myself shake. Her eyes look frightened and a bit awestruck by the distress in my own voice. I look in her rich green eyes, and try to think of the words to follow. I don't know if I should lay it all on the line or not... "Audrey, I want to be able to walk away... I want to look at him and roll my eyes, and be able to just walk away... but I can't. I physically..." I start, before feeling my chest clamp up. She looks at me, her fright fading to sadness in a way. "When you're in the picture, everything about me fades away. I don't feel sick about hitting him, because I knew I was defending you. When you're added to the equation, it makes things different." I try to word, but it just doesn't explain it all.

"Again, I don't need you to--" She starts, before I interrupt.

"Do you even understand what you do to me?" I croak, feeling my chest ache and throb. She stares, looking almost intimidated by the question. "Every little thing I do is because of you... Every damn thing... There's not a goddamn moment where I don't think about you... whether it's if you'd approve, or where you are, or what could've been. When I'm on stage, I always wonder if you're out there somewhere, looking back... There isn't a fucking moment, Audrey... The only reason I'm here is because of you. There have been countless times where I should've and could've taken my way out, and I didn't, because of you..." I ramble, throwing everything on the line. She watches me in awe, looking a bit dreadful as well. "It's not just some fantasy that all this is stemming from. What we had... that was real... That was real, and there's nothing that could ever compete with it. I would've taken a bullet for you, and I still would... that's not just a small feeling." I add, as she looks away.

"Please stop..." She lets out quietly. I breathe deeply, biting my lip while she processes it all. "I don't.." She starts, before swallowing. "I don't want to have that control over you... I don't... I can't be the cop in your head who tells you what to do..." She rambles, as I lean against the tree.

"Seventeen times..." I mumble, catching her attention. I look at my wrist, spotting the scar on my left, rubbing my thumb against it. "That's how many times I planned to commit suicide in the last seven years... Eight of which I actually began to act, before either getting help, or fixing it myself..." I admit, watching her wince, her eyes filling with tears and pain. "But... I stopped myself every time because I kept picturing you getting the news. Or, I'd think about what you'd do to make it better..." I explain, feeling a little numb. She quickly wipes away tears, her arms which were crossed in front of her chest are now around her stomach, as if she's on the verge of getting sick.

"I'm so sorry..." She releases, her lips trembling a bit. I nod slowly, taking a deep breath.

"You control me, Audrey. There's nothing I can do about it... So I'm sorry if you don't want me defending you." I conclude, before starting inside.

"Tim..." She lets out, before following me inside. I walk through the house and to the garage, grabbing the keys on my way. I need to get out for a moment. I get in my truck and start the engine, before Audrey comes outside. She hops in the passenger side and puts on her seatbelt, sitting back and taking a deep breath. I look over at her curiously, watching how nervous she looks. Her right hand is tightly gripping the lower part of her seatbelt, as if she were clinging to it like a stress ball. She takes large, deep breaths, before looking over at me. "What?" She calls.

"You're still scared of..." I start, before she nods.

"Just drive." She directs. I obey, and begin driving around town. I wasn't expecting her to follow me, much less into the car, given her pretty rational fear of cars. She progressively loosens up, before looking over at me. "After I left... and I went to Nashville... I rushed into a marriage that I really didn't want to be in. I guess I thought that moving on, and moving on fast would make things easier but, it surely didn't. Long story short, he was manipulative, and abusive, so I left, and came back home for a bit. I didn't mean to marry a man exactly like my step-father, but I got about as close as I could..." She admits, laughing at herself, before looking out the windshield. I grip the steering wheel and try not to think about her being trapped in an abusive relationship. "I'm kind of lost right now... I'm trying to figure it all out, but seeing you again... I mean, I knew he'd call you, but I just didn't expect it to affect me like it did..." She explains, turning her head toward me.

"How'd it affect you?" I croak, clearing my throat a bit. She stares down at the middle seat between us.

"I was so certain that I was over my past, but..." She stops herself, before looking up at me again.

"Now you're not sure?" I try to fill in. She nods slowly, seeming distraught in admitting it.

"I don't want to lose Mack..." She lets out, before suddenly breaking down. She places her hand over her chest, her shoulders caving forward as she cries. I pull over in the parking lot of a shut down convince store, and unbuckle my seatbelt, leaning over to try and console her. She leans her head against my chest as I reach around her and rub her back. I feel tears of my own start to push through, but I try to hold them back. "I've been trying to stay busy and not think about it, but he looks so sick..." She sobs like a child, wiping away some of her tears with the back of her hand.

"If it makes you feel better, I've been doing the same damn thing." I reassure her. She nods, sitting up for a moment. She looks into my eyes, before cocking her head a bit. "What?" I ask, before wiping her tears away.

"Do you think he did this on purpose?" She asks quietly, her voice raw in my ears. I stare out the windshield, thinking about how he always tried to get us to makeup, even when it seemed fruitless. He's the one who brought us together in the first place. I smile a bit at the glare on the windshield before nodding.

"I think he absolutely did this on purpose."