Silence = Death

u better stop!!!!

Saturday, 26 March, 1988

This is the first time that I have seen any of the group members since I stormed out of the apartment early on Sunday morning, which was maybe too early to even be considered morning, because I had no desire to confront Mac after our argument, and even though I am on good terms with the other group members and regard them as my best friends, they are always with the person I fear, so I decided to stay away. I didn't attend the Monday ACT UP meeting -- I figured even a public event would involve too much of Mac, because I would see him for one, and then the rest of the group would usher me over, unaware of what happened, and I would be forced to interact with Mac. Still feeling scared when Tuesday and Thursday rolled around, I skipped those meetings as well, but I finally concluded that the group members would worry about me if they didn't see me for a week and had no way to contact me, as they don't know where I live. In addition, I need to resolve this issue with Mac, because I miss him terribly, and I don't want to ruin our friendship over a simple misunderstanding.

The atmosphere is tense between Mac and me, but no one else notices. We continue to be seated around the dining table as usual. The meeting hasn't started yet, so there is idle chatter floating around, though none from Mac or myself, until Elijah takes his place at the table. "So today's meeting is what we saw and learned and generally did at the protest on Thursday." He looks around at all of us. "Who wants to start?"

"It was a fantastic time, I would say," Mac begins, his fingers folded into each other and resting upon the table in a professional manner, his eyes directed towards me. "I really felt the spirit of the protesters alive in the air, even if they will soon not be. Alive, that is."

"How...optimistic," Juniper comments, faced skewed but still amused by her brother's response, but it vanishes as she turns to me. "Harlow, I'm sorry you couldn't attend. We missed you all week."

"Trust me, he didn't want to attend," Mac mutters with his arms crossed and his focus towards the table so that he isn't too direct but still gets his point across, though I take it and make it the center of the discussion, because he dared to go there, so I dare to address it.

"I told you why I didn't go. Why don't you just drop it?"

The rest of the members exchange glances of bewilderment and negative predictions of what is to come of our bickering. I hate to make them listen to us fight with each other, but I know Mac won't stop in order to uphold his courtesy, so I have to respond.

"Because you know I didn't believe you when you told me."

He didn't believe me because he was being a narrow-minded fool who only cared about himself. He rejected the idea of listening to what I had to say, rejected the idea of allowing himself to be wrong for once, and we're stuck in this turmoil because of it. Normally I would suggest that we come to some sort of agreement -- agree to disagree -- but I know he would secretly be fuming about it, reminded of my apparent flaws each time he sees me, and it would never truly be resolved. So, even if it's destructive to our friendship at the moment, I maintain the debate so that it will lift back up once we've made all of our points and clearly explained our reasoning. It seems harsh now, but I am hoping that it will all work out in the end.

"Well I sure as hell defended my point, so I still have no idea why you refuse to accept it."

"You said that protesting was your only issue, yet you skipped Monday's meeting and Tuesday's meeting and the protest as well, so tell me, Harlow -- how much do you really care, and why did you feel the urge to lie to me about your motivation if you were just going to be so blatant about your lack of interest by blowing off our meetings?"

This has turned into the snowball effect with the progression of Mac's accusations. He is making preposterous claims about something he doesn't understand, uprooting my personality and throwing chemicals onto it to alter his perception of it. He assumes all of this shit because he hasn't imbibed a single word of my side of the story, and it's not looking so good for our relationship.

"I was scared that you would go off on me like you are now!"

"Can we all just settle down for a moment?" Charlie interjects, slashing his hands through the air as a sign of cessation. "Harlow wouldn't have stuck around for a year if he didn't care. And besides, Harlow is our friend, so we wouldn't abandon him."

"What's going on with you two?" Juniper asks, switching her head back and forth between us. "One moment you can't keep your hands off each other, and the next moment you're bickering as if you're sworn enemies."

"Maybe we are," Mac remarks.

Is he serious, or is he just over exaggerating? We had one falling out, and now he's calling me his sworn enemy. I haven't wronged him, and if I did, then it definitely does not merit this title, whatever it was that I did. Mac has always been very hyperbolic, but what if he truly feels this inside? No matter if it's reasonable or not, he probably holds this honest opinion of me. I don't wish to be detested by the person I love, the person I thought loved me until this scandal. Where did it all go wrong?

Juniper gasps. "Mac, you can't just say that."

And just like a child would, he inquires, "Why not? Harlow has said plenty of hurtful things, so why can't I use that as precedent?"

"Because you're being dramatic, and you're about to lose one of your best friends."

Mac dismisses me hastily and without any thought -- his animosity towards me must run deep, must be a programmed pathway of his brain now. "He's not my best friend."

"You only think that because you're mad at him, but when you step out of the fog in your head, you'll realize that you're making a terrible mistake by pushing him away like this."

Mac, ignoring the spot-on evidence from his sister and Charlie, gestures to Elijah with the signal that he wants something from him. "I need a cigarette."

The entire table narrows their eyes at him, perplexed, and Elijah reminds him, "Mac, you never smoke."

"Did I stutter?" he snaps in return.

Hesitantly, Elijah procures his pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his jacket, opens the flap, and slowly hands one to Mac along with the lighter, who rips it from his fingers and departs from the building to relieve some tension by making an unhealthy decision that he previously scorned. Hypocritical is what this is, but I can't call him out on it, because we've fought enough, and he's already gone from sight.

~~~~~

A/N: I know this is supposed to be heart-wrenching but honestly I'm laughing bc mac is being so dramatic lmao

~Dickota