Quantum Parenting

Quantum Parenting. Part 2 - God Dad, You're So Boooooooooooooooooring...

Part 2 – God Dad, You’re So Boooooooooooooooooring…

 Hello, is this thing on? Ah, bonza. Brain engaged Mr Sulu? Mr Sulu? Ah, hang on, need a coffee first…

The grey cells cannae take the pressure Cap’n. Ah, that’s ok, the neverseenhimbefore guy in the red uniform’s dead, now we can carry on.

Sorry, just proving that point that most Dads are borderline nerds and that most people under about 25 would have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m banging on about.

Actually I’m not entirely sure either. Ah well… the list goes on…

11.            Dads are cool (maybe) until your children become teenagers, then they’re boooooooring / embarrassing / dull / whatever / stupid / old / random – please delete as necessary or add own choice of derogatory phrase, all suggestions welcome….

12.            Any time before 6am is still night time. Young children do not understand this until they are about seven. After the age of seven they grumble at you for getting them out of bed rather than the other way around.

13.            Teenagers do not recognise the initials AM unless they haven’t yet gone to bed or they’re called Anne Mitchell.

14.            If you say “Don’t touch that, it’s hot”, a few seconds later a small voice will say “ouch”.

15.            Farts are funny until they become teenagers, then they’re gross (unless they’re boys, then they’re bloody hilarious).

16.            Getting kids of any age to tidy their room is like doing your own dentistry with a pneumatic hammer. Messy, bloody, pointless and ultimately you end up calling in the professionals (Granma).

17.            Even if you are standing in the middle of an open field with no-one visible for miles, as soon as you drop something on your foot and swear, a small child will instantly materialise behind you and repeat your most choice expletive with shocking clarity, will then practice saying the aforementioned word regularly, and will also regurgitate it at choice moments in the future, particularly when elderly relatives drop round.

18.            This also applies to embarrassing phrases.

Apparently at the age of three I once walked up to my Nanna, patted her on the arse and said “Hello sexy” in that wonderfully gravelly voice that only three year olds and film voice over artists seem to be able to produce. Apparently my granddad almost pee’d himself laughing and had to have a restorative whisky (or three knowing my grandfather).

19.            The first word a small child will learn after “mummy” or “daddy” is usually “No.” (or ‘sexy’ apparently in my case)

20.       A father of sons will encourage his boys to get out there and meet girls. A father of daughters will try and stop this happening.

21.       A father of both will start drinking and hope for the best.

22.       Green vegetables are evil if you are under 16.

Virtually all small children will eat carrots, squash, sweetcorn, anything in fact that isn’t green. You put a piece of spinach on their plate, or some salad, some green beans, or anything like that and the majority of children will stare as you as if you’ve served them dog shit (which is probably stuck to their shoe).

If you keep serving it to them, they will eventually eat it, well at least that’s what all the child psychologists tell us. They obviously haven’t had to clean up the mess. Perhaps we oughta try serving them deep fried celery; the little buggers would eat it then.

23.       Whoever invented wet wipes should be given a sainthood.

24.       Every father / uncle / godfather will at some point (or indeed several points) have a horribly sentimental and very personal moment when he realises that the little girl in front of him is now a young woman. A trip to the garage for a quiet sniffle is usually required.

Okay, okay. I know this is perhaps a little maudlin and mawkish, but I defy any father (or uncle) of girls to deny this one. I have three nieces who are now well into their teens and there really is a moment when you look into their eyes and suddenly realise that the little girl you tickled ‘til they almost pee’d, or that you used to have burping contests with, is now a rather stunning, intelligent and wonderful young woman. It’s a difficult thing to reconcile in your mind. You still see the cute little lass who laughed at you when you did something silly, and you remember the horrible early teen years where they turned into a zombie, but you also see the promise of the wonderful woman that they will become.

It’s a horribly vulnerable moment and possibly the reason why many fathers / uncles of teenage girls find it so awkward to talk to them sometimes.

Ooh, get me, Mr Deep…

25.       Teaching kids to cook should be carried out in a suit of armour, although it is kinda entertaining. Plastic sheeting is also useful.

26.       Teaching kids to use tools should be handed over to Grandpa or another older male relative whose memory has faded sufficiently to think it might be a good idea, or who can be bribed with a pint of beer.

27.       It is never a good idea to teach your own kids how to drive a car.

28.       Or your wife.

29.       Or you mum.

30.       Buying any sort of pet for the kids will mean that, after a week, you will end up feeding it, cleaning it and taking it for walks. Unless it’s a hamster or a fish, they get fed to the cat; which walks itself. If it wants to.

In the immortal words of Sir Terry Pratchett –

“we got a cat because we hate them. It’s always better to know which cat is shitting in your garden, and at least if you have one, you know which furry self obsessed little bastard it will be.”

I do quite like cats, but they really are furry self obsessed little bastards… I’m just jealous.

What is it with kids and pets? I like animals, don’t get me wrong, but you know damn well that after a week of buying any pet, you’ll be the one scooping Guinea Pig shit into a bucket or walking the bloody dog at 3am and having to pick up a still warm turd in a plastic bag, the only benefit being that you have something to keep your hands warm in winter. And then, at some point in the near future (particularly if the stupid animal walks in front of you when you’re carrying something heavy, or is edible by the cat), you have the angst of dealing with the death of a pet.

So, do you get a short lived pet which hopefully two years down the line the kid won’t care about, or have forgotten that they’ve actually got? Or do you get something like a dog or a cat that knocks around for years but leaves a massive hole in the family dynamic when it finally pegs it. The danger with the shorter lived pets is that you have to try and replace it with another one before the child notices or that you have a family funeral every four months and start running out of burial space in the garden.

In the true style of all cats, next door’s has adopted us and we feed it in return for it shitting in someone else’s flowerbed.