Learning To Count(Otabek x Yuri) [boyxboy]

Chapter Twelve

'I'm coming home.'
Yuri had typed and retyped this message at least a thousand times, staring at Otabek's name on the new phone his mother had bought him while he'd been away. The minute she'd seen him the day before at visitation she'd announced she was going to bring him home. He hadn't realised he'd lost that much weight. He'd known he was losing it, of course, but he didn't think it was as visible as everyone made it out to be. She'd had a massive argument with Ms. Kadahki which had ended in her getting a full refund (she was a formidable woman when it came to financial disputes) and Yuri's withdrawal from the clinic. She'd stayed in a hotel overnight while he collected all his things together and they filled out a full report of what treatment he'd received in the two weeks he'd been there. He was sat in his room now, trying to compose a text to Otabek that explained his awful behaviour when he'd visited. He couldn't explain why it had happened- he'd been having a terrible day, the meds had been messing with him (he'd pleaded with his mum for hours to take him off them and she had at last relented) and it had rendered him socially useless. He had barely been able to talk to anybody because his mind lagged so much on them. It meant it was easier when he was tricking people into thinking he was okay, because they didn't particularly care when he disappeared for hours on end. He figured it had something to do with him being a boy; they just didn't really know how to deal with him. Boys were strong. They didn't have emotions and they certainly didn't have anorexia. He'd found it almost laughably easy to sneak off to throw up after meals or hide at the end of the garden behind the trees as he overexercised himself into a stupor. This was actually the main reason that he was always so tired- he pushed his decaying body entirely beyond its limits, and all for a twisted mind game he played with himself. The nurse had become a little frustrated at his weigh-ins and asked him if he was eating everything he was given, but she couldn't perceive that it was anything else since nobody knew he was doing anything untoward in private. He'd learnt to be practically silent whilst purging, which had helped when Shannon and Katie were around. They never told on him anyway. He supposed they didn't care much, or maybe they understood all too well the pain he was going through. Occasionally he'd emerged from the bathroom, red-eyed and sore-throated, to find a cold glass of water at his door. He liked to think it was Katie and Shannon, but when he asked them about it they denied any knowledge. As a result of his wily ways he'd lost a lot of weight. When he'd weighed himself with his backup scale- his mum had thrown away the one he usually used- he'd expected his weight to be somewhere just above where he'd left off before hospitalisation due to the tube feeding he'd been subjected to at first. To his immense astonishment (and pride), he'd lost 10lbs since he'd gone to the clinic. Clearly that wake up call had been what he'd needed. He actually kind of regretted allowing his mum to bring him home after seeing the results of his stay there.
He looked down at his phone again, racking his brains for something to say that would make up for his shittiness. He couldn't think of a thing that wouldn't come across as either pathetic or mean over text, so he decided that all that was left was to go see Otabek himself. Usually he'd be terrified of doing something so forward, but he was done with hiding all the time. It was what had gotten him into this stupid situation anyway. He didn't actually know where he lived, which posed a bit of a problem. He snapchatted Rafael to ask him, and the reply was almost instant. Not surprising as Rafael hadn't put his phone down at the party for more than half a minute. The address wasn't too far, so he told his mum he was going out and pulled a coat down from his wardrobe.
'Where are you going?' She called back, stepping out into the hallway to face him.
'To see a friend,' He shrugged, delving his hands deep into his pockets.
'Who?'
'Otabek.'
'Hmm,' She pursed her lips and clicked her tongue at him. 'I don't think I like you hanging out with him.'
'Relax, he's a really nice guy.'
'I know. He was very kind to me at the hospital, I just think he's a little too old for you to be friends with.'
Friends... What would she say if she knew how close they'd been at times? Yuri knew realistically that that part of their relationship was probably over by now, but the point still stood that they'd almost had sex, or it had at least been implied that they might have done.
'I just want to talk to him,' He grumbled, scuffing his feet against the floor.
'I want you back in two hours. It's late.'
He grunted and waved goodbye, stepping out into the bracing chill of the outside air and beginning to walk. His legs were shaking a little as he walked, already so strained and undernourished that he was out of breath before he even got halfway. He arrived at the door and could barely lift his arm up to ring the doorbell. A tall woman whose sharp features he vaguely recognised as Otabek's mother answered the door.
'Umm, is Otabek in?' He squeaked, wringing his hands together in anxiety.
'Sure. Up the stairs, second door on the left,' She shrugged, and he assumed she was used to getting visitors just dropping in. Otabek seemed like the kind of person always getting people swinging by to see him. He followed her instructions and hesitated outside the door for a few moments to try to give himself some time to prepare what he wanted to say. He gently pressed it open, stepping in and playing with the hem of his shirt to distract his fidgety hands. Otabek was sat on the floor sorting through a CD collection, which surprised Yuri as he was pretty sure he hadn't seen a CD player in five years. He went and sat down next to him, unable to bear it if he was towering over him for once. Otabek looked up and instantly his expression became one of confusion and shock.
'Yuri?' His voice came out higher than intended. 'What are you doing here?'
'Clinic didn't exactly work out,' He mumbled, suddenly unable to speak properly. 'So my mum brought me home. Look, I'm sorry about... Well, everything really. I suck.'
'Don't say that!'
'No, it's true. I got put on these meds that messed with my brain, but I'm off them now. I feel better now.'
'Can you admit that you're not okay, then?'
Yuri stared at him, real fear visible in his eyes. He didn't want to admit anything because if he did he knew people would start trying to fix him again. He didn't want to be fixed.
'I don't know if I am,' This was as close as Yuri could get to a confession. 'But I'm trying to be.'
Just not in the way he should be.
Otabek silently reached for his hand, and this time Yuri didn't pull away. In fact, he met him halfway and budged up closer to him, nestling into his side and sighing contentedly.
'So what are you doing?' He gestured to the CDs.
'Alphabetising them.'
'Can I help?'
'Sure. It's by artist, so group together all the ones by the same artists and then alphabetise those by album titles.'
'Okay,' Yuri's eyebrows knitted together and he began to sort through a small pile, stacking them up in the correct order. It was nice to have something methodical to take his mind off of the hell he was living outside of this room. It helped him to ignore the feeling of his stomach caving in on itself, though the sound of it growling didn't escape Otabek's ears.
'Okay, you need food. Wait here and I'll get you something.'
Yuri watched him leave, debating on whether to climb out the window and run home while he still could. He could just turn it down, obviously. It wasn't as if Otabek could tube feed him. Being in the clinic had also taught him that anybody who couldn't physically force food down his throat was no longer such a threat to him. It was easy to just say no until they gave up. Otabek returned with a chocolate bar, probably the worst thing he could offer to a struggling anorexic.
'I don't eat chocolate,' Yuri lied through his teeth.
'Of course not,' Otabek rolled his eyes, also producing a bag of crisps. 'Take your pick.'
Yuri gingerly took the bag, not even opening it because it felt like the oil inside would seep into his skin and make him fat again. He was still reeling from being at such a low weight and he was relishing every second of it while he could. Before he'd found it almost impossible to maintain anything lower than what he'd been before hospitalisation, but his metabolism had been boosted after the tube feeding and his body was now tearing itself apart because it was less used to starving. Otabek took the bag and opened it for him, taking one out and eating it himself.
'See? Easy,' He thrust the bag towards him.
'I can't,' Yuri shuffled away, his expression one of guilt mixed with terror.
'Yes you can! Come on, just one?'
'No! No, I'm sorry. I can't do it,' Tears formed in his eyes and Otabek sighed, putting the bag down.
'Okay, we'll try that again later,' He pulled Yuri into a hug and stroked his hair softly. 'Didn't you eat at the clinic, though?'
'Yeah, but I-' Yuri closed his mouth before anything could slip out. He didn't want to admit that he'd thrown everything up and burned as many calories as was possible in the too substantial time that he wasn't being supervised.
'But what?'
He sighed heavily and folded his arms across his chest. He was so sick of everybody talking only about his eating disorder. He had a life outside of it (or so he tried to tell himself- in reality it tended more often than not to permeate that 'other life') and sometimes it was nice to pursue that. Like now, for example.
'Can we just take a time out from all of that?' He suggested, shuffling around to face Otabek and pleading with his best impersonation of puppy dog eyes. 'I just want to be normal for a while.'
'Okay, I understand,' Otabek nodded, completely taken in by his irrefutable expression. They seemed to gravitate naturally towards each other, Yuri just wanting something that would melt his mind and Otabek unable to stay away from him when he looked so adorable and pouty. The kiss started off slow and gentle, but when Yuri started making soft breathy noises Otabek couldn't help but pick it up a bit. Somehow they ended up on his bed, Yuri sat on his lap as he leaned against the headboard, his bony fingers cold against Otabek's chest.
'This is okay, right?' Otabek panted, remembering what had happened the last time.
'Mm-hmm,' Yuri managed to gasp, barely coming up for breath. Otabek's hands wandered further down his back, gripping at his hips and pulling them closer. They then tugged at the hem of his shirt, moving to pull it over his head.
'Wait,' Yuri whispered, taking his hands and moving them away. 'Wait, I can't- I'm sorry.'
He retreated to the other end of the bed, his head hung in shame and his fingers knotted together.
'What's wrong?' Otabek frowned. 'If you don't want this- if you don't like me like that, that's fine. I don't want to be pressuring you into anything here.'
'You're not! I- I do like you.'
'Just not like that?'
'No, I do! I... Maybe there's something wrong with me.'
'What?'
'It's not that I don't want to do it with you, I don't want to do it with anyone,' His face crumpled and he brought his knees up to his chest to hide behind them.
'Assuming we're both on the same lines of what 'it' is, are you just afraid?'
'No. I mean, yeah. But I don't want to do it in the first place.'
'Okay, then have you ever considered- and this is just a suggestion- that you might be asexual?'
'What? You mean I'm going to divide in two?' Yuri raised a skeptical eyebrow.
'Hang on,' Otabek leapt up and grabbed his laptop from his desk, bringing up Google and searching the word up, handing the laptop over to Yuri. He browsed the words and an odd sense of peace came over him.
'Someone who does not experience sexual attraction,' He read aloud. 'May feel romantic attraction... How did you know about this?'
'I've been part of the community longer than you. You read up about things, you talk to people.'
'Community?'
'Queer community.'
'I'm not part of it! I don't, like, go to meetings or anything.'
'You think there are gay meetings? Babe, you're gay. Or whatever you are, I don't know.'
Yuri groaned and lay down on the bed on his stomach, burying his face into the duvet. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been to kiss a boy and not even think about the fact that it meant he was gay? Of course he was- touching his neck and feeling the slightly sore patches were proof enough. Otabek lay down beside him and draped an arm round his waist, scooting up close and kissing his neck.
'I think I should tell my mum,' Yuri mumbled, still not revealing his face that was no doubt red as a tomato. 'About the gay thing.'
Otabek answered with a silence, not one to tell anybody what to do with their lives.
'Shit, I think she'll be mad at me,' Yuri moaned, turning around to face Otabek.
'Why?'
'She wanted a son.'
'And you're not?' Otabek frowned.
'It's not like that. I'm just kind of a shitty excuse for a boy, aren't I?' He sat up, and Otabek propped himself up on his elbow to look up at him with concern etched clearly into his expression.
'Explain.'
'Well first of all, I have an eating disorder. Major fuck-up there, and it's breaking her heart to boot. Second- I'm gay. Third, turns out I'm not even properly gay because I don't even want to have sex. What if I just think I am? I mean, kissing you is nice but I don't want to go any further and I wonder if maybe I'm just deluding myself...'
Otabek took his hand and kissed it gently, making Yuri blush like a fool.
'Do you feel something when I do that?' He asked.
'Yeah.'
'Like butterflies?' He grinned, sitting up to kiss him.
'Like butterflies,' Yuri rolled his eyes and kissed him back.
'Your sexuality isn't just about sex. Being a man isn't just about sex. You're still her son, anyway. She can dislike it all she wants but she can't hate you.'
Yuri sighed and lay down again, pulling Otabek with him and resting his head on his chest. He closed his eyes, his head rising and falling with Otabek's breath and listening to his heart murmuring in his ear. It was slower than his own erratic one, but it still sounded a little fast. Was that due to him? He couldn't quite believe that he could have such an effect on anybody, especially not somebody so out of his league. Said person began to stroke his hair and he made a quiet snuffling noise, snuggling closer into his chest and snaking an arm round his waist. It was so comforting to just be held, even if it was by somebody he shouldn't be wanting to be held by. He knew if he told his friends (and realistically, he'd have to) they'd probably think he was a freak- maybe even ostracise him, turn him into a pariah. Could he face that? He relied on his friends a lot because he actually was quite socially awkward, and they were easygoing and pretended he was normal. He didn't think they'd hate him for it or anything, though. He knew some of them would joke around and poke fun at him every now and then, but that was nothing compared to what it could be. He didn't really know how to broach the asexual thing, but that was actually what worried him most. His guy friends were always talking about sex, what would they think if he told them he didn't care about it? He took a deep breath and tried to rid himself of deep thoughts. He was happy in the here and now- a present where he wasn't the dying anorexic boy who woke up in the middle of the night in pain so intense he could barely breathe, he was just curled up with somebody who he just so happened to really like. This was his little moment of respite and he intended to enjoy it as much as possible while it lasted.