Learning To Count(Otabek x Yuri) [boyxboy]

Chapter Eleven

After Yuri had called Otabek he felt miles better. He managed to stay same for the rest of the day, even during the tube feeding. The next morning, however, things proved a little too much when he visited the nurse for his morning weigh-in. She went through the checks he'd come to expect, asked the same questions, checked his tube. After everything was done and she was sure he was doing okay with the tube she pulled out a little pot. He could see from where he was sat that it was medication.
'Right, the hospital sent these forward,' She opened the pot up and tipped out a pill.
'What are they?' He chewed his lip, staring at the pill with trepidation.
'Antidepressants,' She handed it to him with a little paper cup of water. 'Very strong ones.'
'What?' He widened his eyes, not making a move to take it. 'I'm not depressed, though.'
'Prescribed by a doctor.'
'I'm not-'
'Take it, Yuri,' She instructed, staring him down until he hesitantly placed it in his mouth and swallowed it down with a gulp of water, wincing as it caught in his throat for a second. 'You may feel some tiredness, but that's normal. If you start to feel more depressed, you need to tell somebody straight away. Other things that could happen are...' She rattled on about the possible side effects and it sent his head reeling. He couldn't understand why he'd been prescribed these- he wasn't depressed. He knew he wasn't depressed. He didn't get sad, he just hated his body. It was different. The only way to make him happy was to let him starve himself, not shut him up by lodging pills in his throat and injecting food straight into his stomach. Within half an hour he began to feel tired, and this was the point where he knew he had to rage against everything this stupid clinic was attempting to do for him. They were getting it all wrong! As he watched everybody eat breakfast he realised they weren't happy to do it, they were just well-trained and saw no other choice. It had been drummed into them time and time again that if they didn't eat it they'd be tubed and they were terrified of tubing. He couldn't allow himself to become brainless like that; he had to deny all treatment and use every trick he could think of and scrounge from the other girls to avoid gaining any weight. Not even maintaining was an option. This clinic was just a bump in his road to his goal weight, one storm that he could surely weather after all the other obstacles he'd faced. He couldn't let it stop him from getting where he wanted- needed- to get to. He swilled the water round in his cup before he drank it, deciding that once his tube was out water would be the only thing hitting his stomach. He knew Otabek would be disappointed- he'd sounded worried earlier. He felt hugely guilty for causing him that stress, but he wouldn't be pressured into ruining all his progress that he'd worked so hard for. He'd risked so much for it that giving up on his dreams would be ridiculous at this point. It was giving him something to work towards. It'd hurt his mother as well... He knew what he was doing to himself was destroying her. He wouldn't be getting any 'good son' awards. All he'd done in life was let her down. Maybe if he died she'd be relieved of the immense strain that he had placed upon her. When had he become so messed up that he wouldn't care if he died if he could just be thin? He didn't even know when it had all begun. All the stories he'd heard about it had featured points where it had kicked off and the vicious thoughts had initially kicked in. He couldn't quite recall when they had started, but they were so present in his life now that he couldn't remember clearly a time when they hadn't been there. It was insane to think that he had ever been casual- cheerful even- about eating and gaining weight. He'd been able to sit down with his friends and not have to hide a panic attack because of something so simple as an apple. His birthdays hadn't been ruined because he'd started crying when his mum had tried to give him some of his birthday cake that she'd spent so many hours eating. He'd been able to go out with friends and not be clouded over by thoughts of how he could avoid eating to the point that he didn't hear a word they said. He'd woken up in the morning feeling full from a huge dinner but still able to cram in more food for breakfast. He knew now that if he ever ate like that again his metabolism had changed so much that he'd become the size of a house within just days. He didn't know how accurate his ideas about weight gain and how much he'd gain from eating however many calories were, but this was how he saw it. Food was bad. That was all there was to it. He'd convinced himself that it was the worst thing and threatened his very existence, and it wasn't as if that was ever going to change. He may as well just keep going until he died. That was the only thing that could put a stop to the heartache.

Otabek had been hoping and praying that by some miraculous circumstance, Yuri would be looking better when he saw him two weeks later at visitation. He was furious to see that he looked worse than before; he looked like an animate skeleton as he took a seat across from him in the dining room that had temporarily become the visitation room. No nasogastric tube, he noted. Why had they taken it out? He clearly wasn't getting enough nutrients. Hadn't they noticed the state of him? All these thoughts and more were parading through his mind when he stood up to pull Yuri into the tightest hug he could bear without snapping him.
'God, I've missed you,' He murmured as he let him go. 'Do we have to stay in here?'
'Yeah,' Yuri was barely audible, and Otabek felt cold dread set in his stomach as they sat down.
'How's treatment going?'
'Really good,' There was something reserved about his tone and his eyes were lifeless, as if the words he was saying were just a front. It was obvious enough that they were anyway; his drastically worse condition proved this. How could he be losing weight in a recovery clinic?
'I'm glad,' He didn't mention it just yet, because he'd rather talk about it when they were alone- he didn't know when this would next be, though. 'Has your mum visited yet?'
'Tomorrow.'
Otabek was taken aback by his lethargic attitude. This was nothing like the Yuri he knew- where was the nervous energy, the brightly shining eyes? He seemed to be sleepwalking or something.
'Are you tired?'
'Not really.'
'What time do you wake up?'
'Six.'
Otabek sighed and raised his eyes to the heavens. What was going on?
'Is something up?' He leaned forwards and laced his fingers through Yuri's.
'No,' Yuri slowly pulled his hand away, his eyes drifting to the floor.
'You seem... Different.'
'New meds. They make me tired.'
'I can tell,' Otabek's heart ached to see him looking like this. It seemed as if the place may have broken his spirits, but if they had then surely he'd be looking better than when he'd been admitted. He was actually angry that they weren't taking care of him and wanted nothing more than to storm up to one of the nurses on duty and demand to know why Yuri wasn't happy yet. Obviously it was overambitious to expect him to be fully cured already, but he could always dream. He was tempted to sneak him out and drag him home so that he could do something- anything- that might help more than this place. It felt like they were fighting a losing battle with his anorexia and they'd just lost half a mile of whatever progress he'd deluded himself into thinking they'd made. Yuri was just beginning to wall himself off and block everybody out, which was so dangerous with the way he was now. Getting through to him when he came out was going to be nigh impossible.
'Are you sure everything's going okay?' Otabek gripped at his hand again, refusing to let go this time.
'Yes,' Yuri refused to meet his eyes. 'Great.'
'Good. Okay,' He couldn't think of anything else to say. 'I- I should go.'
'Okay.'
'Bye, then. I'll try and visit again, okay?'
Yuri made a short noise that sounded mildly affirmative and Otabek patted him on the shoulder before walking away, holding his breath so he didn't cry when he felt how terrifyingly protrudent the bone was. He couldn't help but feel like Yuri didn't have much time left.