Oprah's Special

"You did what?"

"I knew I shouldn't have told you. You're so judgemental."

"I'm not being judgemental. I just don't understand how this happened Lesley."

Lesley looked up at the ceiling. Her hands were still planted squarely on her hips in defense, but she was quickly losing her moxy. The soggy book continued dripping onto the persian carpet from the arm of the blue leather couch. How on earth was she going to explain this to Donald? She knew he'd be miffed, maybe even the smallest bit upset. But she figured his reaction couldn't be too bad. He'd never seemed particularly religious. Now that he was standing in front of her though, she wondered how she ever thought this conversation wouldn't go terribly.

"I told you what happened Donald. The Bible was in the aquarium so I rigged the dust pan up to the end of the broom to try and get it out."

"I didn't ask you what happened Lesley, I asked you how it happened."

Lesley cringed. She'd hoped he wouldn't notice that she'd answered a different question. It had the words that really mattered, Bible and aquarium, in the answer. She really didn't want to tell Donald how this happened. She'd love to blame the accident on her bratty step-daughter trying to frame mommy dearest so Donald and Lesley would get divorced. Too bad she didn't have a bratty step-daughter. Which she couldn't, because her and Donald weren't married. They were just next door neighbors and she was hopelessly in love. Unfortunately, stuff like this kept happening. Hamster and the peanut-butter. The hamster wasn't Donald's, but that Mrs. Golding never knew how to keep her mouth shut. The 'pasta monster' incident, totally not her fault. The sock and the electric candle. Electric heat devices in general seemed problematic. And now the Bible and the aquarium. Needless to say, instead of looking like the love of his life, Lesley kept coming across as the klutzy, annoying neighbor who couldn't be trusted.

"Well if you must know, I was house sitting and-"

"I know you were house sitting! This is MY house! Who do you think asked you to house sit? What the hell happened?"

Donald's face was starting to turn from pink to red. Lesley noticed the new coloring didn't suit him very well. She wished he would just calm down. It's not like she caught the house on fire. She just seriously startled some fish trying to get the Bible out of the aquarium.

"Oprah was on this morning and she was doing this really interesting segment on... well I can't remember what it was on-"

"Lesley! The aquarium and the Bible."

"I'm getting there."

The room was starting to feel hot and Lesley was sweating. She'd sworn never to sweat in front of Donald. She wanted to look glamorous in front of him at all times until he realized he couldn't live without her. This current look was not glamorous.

"I was finishing off a bag of Oreos, and I was so enthralled in what Oprah was saying, I spilled crumbs all over the floor walking to the kitchen to get a glass of milk. A girl can't have Oreos without milk. Actually, milk would be delicious right now. How about I go get us some?"

"Lesley, for the love of God, just tell me how the Bible ended up in the aquarium."

Lesley was quickly running out of options. She could tell him what happened, but what would she do if he asked why she was reading the Bible. She wasn't particularly religious either, and what other alibi is there for reading the Bible? She couldn't possibly tell Donald the Oprah special prompted her to do so, then she'd have to tell him what it was about.

"I wasn't going to leave all those Oreo crumbs for you to walk all over when you got home, so I grabbed the vacuum to sweep them up. I was reading the Bible while I was vacuuming when my phone went off. I was so startled I accidentally dropped the Bible in the aquarium."

Lesley desperately hoped Donald would accept the story and ask no questions.

"What did Oprah say about the Bible that was so inspiring you just had to read it while you vacuumed?"

How was she supposed to tell him what Oprah was talking about? She didn't even want to tell him why she had Oprah on in the first place. Daytime TV isn't really her thing, but she thought perhaps if she had it on when Donald came home from his business trip it might make her look at home in his house. Maybe he'd like how at home she looked and that would push him in the right direction. Her direction.

"It was just a segment on becoming a better kind of person. Nothing earth shattering."

"You almost killed thousands of dollars worth of tropical fish so you could read the Bible while vacuuming to become a better kind of person?"

She had to admit, it sounded really stupid when he said it all in one sentence.

"Yes?"

"Lesley, what exactly was Oprah talking about?"

"I thought if you saw me vacuuming while reading the Bible you might start becoming interested in me romantically because instinctively you'd see what a good wife I would make. Oprah was talking about ways to get a good man." Lesley blurted the words out so quickly she wasn't sure any of them came out in English.

Donald stood across from Lesley, slack-jawed, and staring. Lesley felt like a deer caught in headlights. As much as she desperately wanted to run her feet were glued to the itchy tan carpet.

"I saw my sister on my business trip this week."

Unsure of where this information was going, Lesley stood and waited for Donald to speak again.

"She's getting married."

His sister is getting married. This is great news! Obviously he'll need a date to the wedding, and Lesley was the perfect option. She had just professed her love for him, and she could liven up any party. She was full of funny anecdotes about things like dropping Bibles in aquariums. Dropping Bibles in aquariums. What a cute story to tell their children when they recall the moment Donald first realized Lesley was his soul mate.

October 25, exactly a year and seven months ago, Lesley realized Donald was her soul mate. It was his first weekend living in the neighborhood. He walked outside wearing nothing but a robe and navy blue, pinstriped boxers. His hair stuck up at all angles. His body slightly glistened in the late morning sun. Mmm a man who works out in the morning.

"I don't believe in marriage. I'll ask someone else to watch the house when I go to the wedding. Thanks for helping me this week."

"Wh-what?" Lesley must have heard him wrong. It sounded like he'd said he didn't believe in marriage. But of course he'd have to believe in marriage, the two of them were supposed to get married. It was part of her game plan. Wait for Donald to realize she was the love of his life, get married, have adorable children and live happily ever after.

Keeping a completely professional demeanor, Donald pulled a check out of his coat pocket. "I don't believe in marriage." Looking over at his fish tank one more time, Donald sighed and handed Lesley her check. "I'm sure Mrs. Golding can look after my house on my next trip. Thanks for all your, uh, help."

Feeling like she'd been kicked in the gut, Lesley moved towards the door to leave.

Head spinning, Lesley found herself weakened yet enraged. "Keep your stupid check. I don't need money from a time waster like you." Shaking her head, Lesley stormed out the front door. "Doesn't believe in marriage," Lesley mumbled. "What kind of jerk ruins a girl's hopes and dreams by not believing in marriage?"

Walking through her front door, Lesley went straight to the freezer. She pulled out a pint of red velvet ice cream. Smiling to herself, she started figuring out who her next husband-to-be would be.