"Are you okay?" He asked for at least fiftieth time while we were sitting in his car.
"I told you I'm fine."
"You certainly don't look like it."
"Sorry."
"What are you apologising for?"
"Ruining your birthday."
"I had fun so there's nothing to be sorry for."
He stopped next to my house (hopefully it was the right address) but I wasn't leaving the car. I wanted to stay like this for a while. It was quiet (if we didn't count his constant question) and calm.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"
"I don't think we know each other for long enough."
"Two days. We are basically best friends."
I couldn't help but laugh although I still didn't think we are close enough for me to open up like this.
"Maybe next time." I was ready to leave but he grabbed my hand to stop me.
"I'm not going to let you go until you tell me what's going on."
"Why are you so curious?"
"Because you were lost in your own world since this morning. I don't know if you do it often but it's concerning. So please, tell me what's going on."
I let out a loud sigh, still unsure if I should say something or not. Jackson was still holding my hand just enough for me to be unable to free myself.
"I had a doctor's appointment this morning."
I though he would say something, like he always does, but he remained quiet so I continued.
"Since this -" I pointed at my eyes with my index finger "- happened not long ago, I still have appointments every month."
I paused again but he was still quiet.
"This morning, I found out that even though I can't see, the damage isn't that serious."
"Does that mean you can see again?" He finally spoke up.
"But he surgery would cost me more than uni."
"That's not all that's bothering you, is it?"
This time, I was the one who remained quiet.
"So what is it then?"
"Mark asked me about my blindness and I had honestly no idea what to say."
"Ah, from the tiny amount of things he usually says, this is what he decided to ask."
"I don't blame him, a lot of people are curious about it. Don't tell me you aren't."
"I am."
"But?"
"You know, it's not usually something you ask when you meet someone for the first time. It could make things awkward so I just wanted to wait, gain your trust and then ask."
"I don't think there's much to say about it. You know that moment when you try to fall asleep but you're not tired so you just squint your eyes really hard, hoping it will help? I don't need to do it anymore. Ironically, I was never afraid of darkness but now I'm terrified of it. I can't get ready in the morning, can't use make up or style my hair. I don't even know what colour my hair is anymore.. or my eyes. I don't even know what I'm wearing 90% of the time because everything feels the same when you touch it. Sometimes I have to guess what I'm going to eat, hoping I won't mix something really bad together. People go silent when they walk past me, they think I can find my way because I had to learn it eventually. Even though I can't see them, I can still feel their stares. Whenever I need help, there is no one to help me. My friends stoped talking to me because I was only a burden to them. I have to rely on my imagination but honestly, I was always really bad at imagining stuff. I can't find a proper job because no one wants to hire me. My grandma helps me pay bills and uni, I can't read my favourite books anymore or visit my favourite places to see the landscape. What makes it worse is the memory of it. I can't rely on my imagination. I have to rely on my other senses. I have to recognise hundreds of voices, smells or shapes if I want to talk to people, find my way or eat without poisoning myself. That's what blindness is like."
I wanted to get it all of my chest, I wanted to say more but I couldn't because I started choking on my tears.
Through my loud sobbing, I heard Jackson undo his seatbelt before moving close to me to hug me. I was surprised at first but I ignored it because I needed it so I hugged him back.
"If I knew it would make you cry, I wouldn't ask about it."
I wanted to say it's fine, that he should not worry about it but I couldn't.
"I don't want to be the reason for people's cries. I want to make them smile, I want to make you smile. I hate it when someone is sad because of me so please stop."
It's not your fault Jackson. You didn't make me cry. Nor did Mark or my doctor. It was my own fault for holding things in for too long. But how could I let it out if I had no one to vent to. No one I could trust, no one who would lend me their shoulder to cry on.
For once and the first time in my life, I wished someone was able to read my mind. And that someone was him, because I was unable to speak. I was stopped by my tears and sobs.
But what if I'm doing something wrong, by letting myself trust him like this. After knowing him for such a short time, recognising him only by his voice. I always had a problem with trusting people after I became blind since people who I trusted before, broke my trust. So why did I gave in to him so easily?
We stayed like that for at least another ten minutes. None of us saying anything, just my crying echoing throughout his car while we were still hugging each other.
