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102 - Emmy

For a moment Alex's smile wipes away any worry from her features.  "I don't want to mess it up."

"How can you?" I ask.

She shakes her head.  "I don't know.  I guess I don't want to rush things."

I get what she means.  Vince is only free all the time at the moment because we don't have a record deal and soon Alex will have loads of uni work and deadlines to contend with.

"It's not like I don't trust him," Alex adds.  "It's just the next step I guess."

I nod.  She really has nothing to worry about.  Vince isn't a bad person.  He can be a little dumb at times and others a little annoying, but I've never seen him do anything to make me think that he'll hurt Alex.

"I get the impression that he's suave and a bit of a player, maybe even a charmer, with some people.  But with me he messes up his speech sometimes and blushes and tells really lame jokes."  She smiles, her eyes off in a distant space.  "But I know it's the real him."

Unlike me, Alex has had boyfriends in the past.  The relationships didn't last long but I know that she's been hurt before.  I feel lucky again.  My eyes search out Sam and my heart swells when I spot him looking at me.  His smile lights up his eyes and for a split second he looks younger, his features soft.  Then he winks and the sight of his unruly eyebrow makes me chuckle.

When Alex blinks out of her thoughts to look at me again I grin at her.  We don't say anything for a long moment and the silence between us is filled with the sounds of Ollie and Sam laughing and shouting as they play video games.  I can tell that Ollie is winning;  Sam keeps claiming that he's being cheated but I know that he's just being a sore loser.  They're both having fun really.  The brother bonding time is good for them.  I know Sam worries about leaving me out when he's playing video games, but with Alex here he knows I won't be bored.

I smile at Alex again but my mind stays on Sam.  I can't remember how nervous I was about first sharing a bed with Sam.  I think of the spider incident and cringe.  I hadn't meant him to give up half of his bed for me.  I don't know what I'd been expecting the outcome to be, to be honest.  Probably for him to move the spider or, more likely, for him to tell me to grow up and go away.  A laugh in the form of a sigh escapes my lips as the memory of Sam being cold towards me surfaces.  Those times certainly seem light-years ago.  I can't imagine not talking to Sam now.  A huge chunk of my life would be missing.

Are we moving too fast?  Thinking about it, we really could be.  I mean, to put it bluntly, it's almost as if I got in his bed and never left it.  I wonder if Sam noticed this?  I sure didn't, until this very moment and now I can feel the unfamiliar sensation of regret winding through me.  I hardly ever, almost never, care what other people think about me.  But now, if this was a known fact, would people think I'd planned this?  Have Ollie and Vince had these thoughts before me?  Did it occur to them that I moved in quick.

I've been picking at my nail varnish.  Purple flakes coat my jeans and Alex watches me.  Her thin eyebrows peak upwards.

"You and Sam are fine."

I roll my eyes on impulse.  She always was a mind-reader.  I laugh, feeling suddenly shy around her and look out of the window behind us.  London in twilight is beautiful.  It's a hushed version of the day, with the headlights of cars and street lights twinkling in the black outshining the stars.

"Yeah," I say finally.  "It's not like we've done anything yet."  I sound like I'm trying to convince myself.

Alex shakes her head at me.  "It takes time, Emmy.  Don't just sleep with him because you feel like you have to."

I fight a blush.  "I wouldn't." I swallow hard, admitting something to myself.  "It's not like I haven't thought about it.  I love him, Alex."  It comes out in a whisper, but I'm not at all scared to shout it from the rooftop.

Alex grins at my admissions and we share a girly laugh.  It's reminiscent of Jasmine or Holly and I didn't know I was capable of making such a sound.  Remembering Vince's last conquests I realise how much he's grown up since he was introduced to Alex.  It's like he's stopped sniffing around girls and gone for a woman.  I'm proud of him and Alex.

"That's amazing," she says.  "But things still take time.  One person's pace is different to someone else's."

I nod, certain now. "It'll happen when it feels right."

"No regrets or mistakes," Alex agrees.

I don't know if Alex is speaking from experience, where past boyfriends are concerned, or not.  Either way, I hug her hard.

"I've missed you," I say.

"I've missed you, too," Alex replies.

I hold onto her for a long moment, only breaking apart when I feel something on my ear.  I pull back, seeing Vince with his arm outstretched.

"Did you just flick me?" I ask.

He smiles and it widens when he looks to Alex. They really are so cute.

"All good?" she asks him.

Vince nods.  "Yeah.  You?"

He's different with Alex, I notice.  Not sarky sounding or loud, but sincere and open.

I get up and push him down to where I was sitting without saying anything.  As I walk away, I hear them start to talk.  The clock says half past eleven and after directing a soft smile at Sam I head to his room.  Our room.