Melting the Ice

6; induratize

"induratize"

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(verb) An obsolete word and beautiful feeling, this heartbreaking act is the manifestation of hardening one's heart. This is a side-effect from pain; it is a way of emotional self-preservation. Just because one has induratized, it does not mean you have chosen to become numb from love or emotions, it is a form of self-protection. We prefer that everybody guards their heart but with a soft coating, rather than a hard one.

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When the weekend comes, I welcome it with open arms. I don't have training sessions on Saturday and Sunday. I only have them if Sofia or Gilbert couldn't make it on any other day scheduled. And on this weekend, I'm completely free.

But even on the days that I don't have training sessions, I usually still go to the ice hall and skate for hours. I have nothing to do at home, anyway.

Miles usually comes to visit me, or he picks me up and we go to his place. We can at least watch the TV there, which I can't say for my place because I don't even own the TV anymore. I don't have anything that causes me unnecessary costs.

After my morning workout and my breakfast, I finally bring myself to the decision that it's time I sort out the bills that are lying unopened on my kitchen table.

I find the hospital bills first and open them. There are exact three of them, just like the doctor said. All three of them unopened, each of them with a number so high it makes me gasp. Where the hell will I get so much money?

I open the other ones. I note that I have to pay electricity, too, if I don't want to stay without it for the next month.

I fear what's it going to be when winter comes. I won't be able to pay so much to keep myself warm and this house is cold by itself since it's built in a place where there's barely any sun in the autumn and winter.

I put the bills in two piles; the ones who are the most important ones and should be paid immediately, and the ones that can wait some more. It doesn't make me feel any better. If anything, it makes me feel even worse, seeing the proof of how bad it's gotten.

I rub my temples and rest my head in my hands, letting out a tired sigh.

When I hear the knocking at the front door, I smile because I already have a feeling it's Miles behind that door. And I'm right.

He stands there with his casual old jeans that have been washed one too many times and a blue shirt with a jacket over it. Miles is an attractive man, someone I could easily like if only I'd let myself. But I carry too much luggage with me and I don't think anyone's prepared to deal with that. Even I can't deal with it at times.

"Miles! Hey," I say happily, glad that he came. I am in need of some company and distraction, which Miles can easily provide. It's never boring when we're hanging out together.

"Ana Lee," he greets me back with a charming smile. "I wanted to come in the morning, just in case you decided to go to the ice hall before I could even come to see you."

Communicating with each when we weren't together other wasn't so easy. I couldn't just pick up my phone and call him whenever I wanted to hang out with him or to tell him I'm not going to be at home. The problem is that I don't own a phone. I put it on the list of unnecessary costs.