The girl with chaotic life!

Introduction- what to expect!

I have always wanted to write something- a novel, a book of poetry but I was always so lazy to actually go to my laptop, sit on the chair, move my fingers over the keyboard. Never knew life would force me into a situation where my only escape would be writing. With almost no-one to hear, no-one to give me actually valuable advises (I can't call my mom up from my uni everytime), no-one thinking I deserve a chance-I have to resort to writing. I don't know why anyone would read this? I have an inkling that maybe people would want to read it because somewhere in their lives, it also happens. Sometimes in lives, you feel that everyone is against you. You make wrong choices. You give the wrong people more worth than they deserve. You ignore what matters the most. You have no interest in continuing where you are and all you need is a fresh start. You just want to go some place where you know no-one and can start afresh.

Well, I am currently at that stage of my life- where nothing is going as I planned. The people I thought as my friends have a wrong impression of me to the point that they hate me and don't even want to listen to me, I have no group of friends, my grades are where no company will even let me give first round of placement, I am ignoring what should matter and am more focusing on my image and I am ignoring people who should matter. In my defense when you were in a group, and you feel its sudden loss- somewhere inside you are badly shaken up. I can't concentrate on studies which is the worst part. And well other worse part is I am distancing myself from people who matter.

One of the important factor here is that there is a guy in that group, on whom I am head over heels. I want to talk to him, I want to be friends with him (not girlfriend, I am relationship phobic), I at least want to be on good terms with him. But sadly he also has a pretty colorful impression of me. I am trying hard to change that, but I am unable to right the colors of that impression he has of me. Never in my life, had I felt so helpless before. I myself didn't know that I am in love with him before this happened- until he started ignoring me. I want his affection, I want his touches, I want him to care about me, I want him to ask me whether I am okay, I want him to come to me and tell me that he knows I am not a bad person, I want him to kiss me, I want him more than my fucking grades right now, more than chocolate, more than abandoning it all, more than anything!

But... sadly what you want in life and what you get in life are two different things. And I know every single thing in life is temporary and after a point no-one cares, but while you are in the time it hurts. it fucking hurts!

Maybe this all will teach me a lesson and make me grow up. Maybe I will laugh about it someday. But not today. No. Today let me cry my heart out and pen down my bubbling emotions, pen down all the sorrows and the pain that I am going through, pen down my fears, my anxiety, my depression, my sadness. Today let me cry for I don't want it to be a burden on my chest.

So today... from here, I start my story. The story of a girl with a chaotic life!