The Rising of Merlin

The One With the Christmas Party

"I most certainly have, and I must say, you don't seem like the type." She laughed a little.

"On the contrary, actually. It suited me really well." He chuckled and winked at her.

"You are full of surprises." Morgana mused and shook her head. "What else have you done during your long life?" She suddenly asked.

"Well, ehm..." He had lived so long so he had to think a little about what he would say. "I have worked... a lot... many different kinds of works. One time I was a doctor and another I was a police officer. That was a lot of fun." He smiled a little at the memory. "I also fought in many wars," He continued more gravely. "The latest one being World War two, where I was a medical soldier. I... I managed to save many lives that way, but the things I've seen... You don't want to experience them by yourself." Merlin said sombrely.

"Are the wars of the modern era worse than the wars back in Camelot?" Morgana asked without meeting his eyes.

"Both yes and no. The battles in Camelot were more intense but the wars now last much longer. Sometimes the last years and they are much more deadly. Especially for the civilians." Merlin answered.

Morgana didn't ask anything more; she just nodded her head in understanding and they sat in silence for a long time afterwards, but Merlin could see that Morgana was thinking intently on something.

"What's wrong?" He asked silently, not wanting to disturb the peace around them.

"I've been thinking a lot about you, Merlin, these past weeks." She answered without meeting his gaze.

"Oh..." He didn't know what else to say.

"Not like that." She gave him a glare. "About your long life." She said with a slightly pained expression. "How have you managed to survive it? I mean..., how did you manage not to go insane?" She met his gaze. "I would never have survived so long without growing mad. You now how I was after the Sarrum. That was nothing compared to how I would have been if I had endured what you have done." She said with a shaky voice. "Being surrounded by other people but still alone. Grieving without being able to explain why. Never being able to move on, always having to leave everyone you've grown to care about. How did you survive it?" She looked at him with pain filled eyes.

"I didn't." He said quietly and looked down. "Not at first."

"What do you mean?" She took his hand in hers and used the other to lift his head up to meet her eyes.

"I've given up many times over the centuries, Morgana." He met her gaze with tear-filled eyes. "But thanks to the Old Religion, I've always come back." The tears where now running down his cheeks.

"I don't understand." She said and Merlin could see her confusion.

"After Camlann, I returned to Camelot. But it only took a few days before I realised I couldn't stay there, too many memories, so I left. I built a hut on the hill looking out over the lake and stayed there until Gaius died ten years later. That was the first time I walked more than a few hundred meters from the hut." He paused a little, blinking back the tears that flowed from his eyes.

"After that I started going to the crystal cave and I saw the downfall of Camelot. I tried to find ways to prevent it but there weren't any. Gwen never had any heirs so when she died the lords started fighting amongst each other over who would take over the rule, and the neighbouring kingdoms noticed the turmoil and began their own conquest to take the throne. It ended with the city destroyed and the land divided amongst the other kingdoms."

"That's...that's when I finally let the depression hit me." He said and looked up at Morgana's green eyes. "I decided that I didn't want to wait any longer so I ended it. I threw myself over a cliff and I could feel my bones breaking when I fell and I succumbed to the darkness."