Secrets, stars and chocolate bars

Chapter 1

I was surprised by how little I cared about running into moving vehicles.
"What a silly kid" they must have uttered as they hit brakes apace.
Why did you stop?
"Oh I'm so sorry. . " I will say urging the girl inside me to make an apologetic face.

That's not what I want to say.

Your brake applying skills are commendable sir , is what I want to say.

Why did you apply brakes sir?I'm crestfallen, is what I want to say.

You're such a coward sir. Even though you want to get out of the car and beat the hell out of me. Even though you want to yell and nag me because of my childish behavior, you won't. I'm a just a teenage girl after all , is what I want to say.

Oh sir you have deplorable face reading skills. Can't you look into my hollow eyes and infer that I don't want you to stop, is what I want to say.

I swallow hard. ' What have I turned into? ' I asked myself and later found myself laughing at how many times I ask myself that in a day.

Suddenly I forget where I am and what I'm supposed to do. In front of me I see a lady holding her baby in her hands and glancing at her husband who is buying flowers. The father of the baby takes break in between his bargaining to look at his little seraphic baby who is busy staring at the flowers intently. The father takes the flowers in exchange of a dollar. He brushes the bouquet gently on his toddler's nose and the baby laughs. He murmurs something to her, not to the baby but to the mother which makes her blush and look down. A few seconds pass and the mother gives him the baby. His face brightens as he is holding her angel now. His jovial face makes me wanna look somewhere else and so I do.

I take a step back and think of all the things happening inside my body. My throat feels as if I'v swallowed a rock and its stuck there. My eyes want to shut down as if theres a magnet attached to each one of my eyelid. For no reason at all I give up and cover my face with my hands. I need to sit or I'll fall or I'll faint or I'll die. My heart fails to connote what it feels so my brain will just think that it's aching. My heart is aching.

You're so feeble.
So weak.
So pathetic.

I think of how I cried for half an hour after writing a suicide note. Feeble Mia. I think of how I tore it up until it was impossible to tear it anymore. Weak Mia. I remember that I thought I was strong enough to end my life. Pathetic Mia.

I realise now that the ones who attempt suicide are not cowards who gets scared by the world. They are the strongest ones because out of many things which require strength, hurting yourself is the first.