A Texas Pregnancy

Chapter.6.Choosing to Grieve.<3

"We both have some time off." Shifting my gaze off of my fiddling fingers, I find my husband peeking his head through the bedroom door.

It's been 2 days since I got home from the hospital, and everything still hurts. My arms, my legs and ribs, but the big gaping hold inside of my heart was the most prominent. That was the part of me that held the most pain.

Some women miscarry and have no idea what caused it. I'm lucky enough to not have to go through that. I would constantly question myself on what I did wrong. Did I eat unhealthy? Did I accidentally sleep on my stomach and not realize it? Was I taking the wrong pre-natals? So yes, I was lucky in that aspect. I was also unlucky; unlucky in the fact that if I had just taken the elevator - that was normally reserved for handicap children - or if I maybe, waited until the stairs were clear, then all of this would have been avoided.

Yes, I blame myself, despite what Lucas tells me. How could I not, it was entirely my fault?

Lucas has been great, he's kept people away, since I am in no way ready to socialize with people. We just held a gender reveal party... it can't get more embarrassing than that. I've been kind of hiding out. "You hungry, sweetheart?"

I just shake my head no and wrap the fleece blanket around me, snuggling even deeper into its softness. Mostly, I'm just trying to avoid the saddened look in Lucas' gaze. He says he's lucky, that he could have lost both of us and his life would have been meaningless. Is it bad that I would much rather Asher have lived? I have been alive for almost 30 years, I've lived my life... it was Asher's turn. "How about a shower?"

His goal has been to not leave me alone, if he's around he 'distracts me', prevents my mind from wandering . "Come on beautiful, what's it been? 2 days," he quips with an overexaggerated questioning expression on his face.

Gingerly, he undresses me, unbuttoning his shirt that I stole from him and letting it fall carelessly to the floor. His lips press against mine, tenderly, and no matter how quick it was, I can feel how much he loves me with the small question. My brows furrow whenever he helps me step out of my short, "why?" He frowns, glancing at me quickly before finishing the task and turning on the water. "Why aren't you furious with me? Why don't you hate me?"

Lucas' sculpted jaw twitches with anger, inhaling deeply to calm his emotions, he replies, "we've been through this sweetheart." Stepping forward and towards me, he removes his shirt in that way that only guys can, showing off his impressive chest and abs. I swear he's gotten more attractive with age. "I could never hate you, no matter what the circumstances. I love you more than life itself, I will love you until after I take my last breath." Letting his jeans fall to the floor, his rough hands cup my face. "You are my everything," gulping, he continues, "what happened baby, that was an accident. I know you don't believe that, but that's what it was."

Giving a curt nod, we both step into the shower. His large, bulky arms wrapping around me as the hot streams of water cascade over us. Lucas kisses my temple again and hums in content, "I'm proud of you, you know." Before I can even question him, he explains himself, "you tried to protect him, sweetheart. Some kids were interviewed, the ones that had seen what happened." This is news to me, my brows are knitted together in confusion. Sensing it, Lucas continues, "I made sure they interviewed students. If someone had pushed you, there would have been hell to pay," ah that makes sense. "Anyways, you curled yourself into a little ball, and wrapped your arms protectively around your stomach."

It wasn't enough.

My eyes and nose both burn in an effort to restrain the tears. I can't keep crying, my headaches have been awful already. Lucas' thumb and pointer finger push my chin up so I can stare into his beautiful emeralds, "you're a great mother, Riley. I can't even imagine how much you're beating yourself up right now, and I know that what I'm saying is falling on deaf ears but, it isn't your fault."