Open letters and poems. The truth. My truth.

To the men who have hurt me

To the men who have hurt me ,

I sometimes reminisce about the men who hurt me. The ones who said they wouldn't. The ones who said they'll always stay with me and love me unconditionally. I should've known it was all a lie because nothing last forever. I should've known it was a lie when my own father abandoned me before I even opened my eyes and came into this cruel world. I should've known it was all when the first man to step up to tried to play daddy used me and my mother as a punching bag day and night.  Night and day. I should've known it was a lie when I was being passed around like a rag doll getting molested by family and friends. I should've known it was a lie when the man I gave my virginity to at 13 told me all the sweet things about how he would never leave me and he would love me unconditionally. Silly me.  What did I know about love at only the age of 13 ? I should've known it was all a lie when I got pregnant at 15 by a thug who use to beat me and then say he was sorry and " wouldn't do it again " yet as the time went on he pulled and yanked on my braids , bruised and abused my body. I should've known it was all a lie when I was 16 and I became looking for a love that I never received at home. In the home I lived in , the love you received was " I cook and cloth you " , the love I received was " pray about it instead of openly talking about it " the love I received was the " you have it better than others " really when I was depressed about other things.  Things that didn't make sense to parents.  I was looking for a love that would never die. So I laid down with man after man after man looking for that love. Looking for that protector.  But , instead they all hurt me in someway. They used me because I allowed them to. They bruised me because in my mind I thought if a man does not hit me , he does not love me. I watched my mother stay in a violent domestic relationship.  Swollen eyes , busted lips , and so on. I thought that was love because she stayed. I thought that was love because she took blow after blow.  I thought that was love because that's all I ever seen growing up. I seen my father do the same to women.  I seen my father dehumanize women.  Call them sluts and bitches.  He called them those things because he couldn't control some of them. So I allowed every man after that to do the same to me. Blow after blow. Fuck after fuck. Strip me of my worth.  Strip me of my piece of mind. Strip me of my education because I was so worried about losing their " love " when realistically , they didn't give a flying fuck about me.

To the men who've hurt me ,
I forgive you. I forgive you not because I want to but I forgive you for me because I need to. If I allow you to continue to have this power over me , I'll never be free. I'll never be happy.  I'll go into every other situation or relationship thinking that they are out to hurt me. I'll go into everything else afraid. But today , I stand strong and tall and say proudly that " I forgive you ".  I forgive you for all the mistreatment I received. I forgive you for all the beatings and scars you left me. I forgive you for playing with my mind because now I can finally see.  I forgive you for making me look like a fool. I forgive you for taking my innocence away at such a young age that stripped me naked of my childhood.  I forgive you.

To all the men who've hurt me.