The Book of Random

Funny Jokes

The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

************

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

*********

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?

-To see what was on the other side.

*********

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

*********

Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down"

*********

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Riddles!!!

What two things can you never eat for breakfast?

-Lunch and Dinner

If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?

-A secret

What stays in bed most of the day and sometimes go to the bank?

-A stream

Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?

-Quit imagining!

What has to be broken before it can be used?

-An egg

Funny Puns and One-Liners

Corduroy pillows are making headlines

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

Acupuncture is a jab well done

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

Without geometry, life is pointless

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----cece23