Dangerous Diaries

Chapter 3 - No

A short beep was heard through my phone.

"Answer it."  He hung up the line.

I took the phone off of my ear and pressed the green talk button.  "Hello?"

"Hi.  I'm sorry.  That line isn't secure."

"It has a passcode to it," sarcastically I mentioned.

"Yes, but she has access to it."

He was talking about Lissy, his wife.  I had so many questions to ask him.  I wasn't even in shock to be on the phone with him.  I just felt my time was limited so I thought to throw all of my questions at him at once.

"Michael..."  But I couldn't even finish my sentence after saying his name. 

"Shakira?" he whispered with a hint of pain in his voice.  "There are so many things I want to say to you but I just can't right now."

"Will you ever?"

Whatever emotions were hitting him, it caused him to go completely mute.

"I'm sorry to contact you like this...and I'm sorry about the footage in the documentary.  I was just...desperate.  I thought it would finally draw you in but you still didn't bite the bait."

"Don't ever apologize to me for anything," he said a few seconds later.

I tried to speak but my words cracked. 

"How are you?"

At first I thought his question was really stupid but then I remembered who I was talking to.  He was just being kind.  "I could be better."

"Same here.  I saw the documentary a few days ago.  I liked it very much."

"Thank you."

"It was wonderfully put together."

Feebly, I smiled to myself.

"I'm so proud of you," he said in a practical whisper.

"What?" I wanted to hear it again loud and clear.

"I'm very proud of you," he said deeply.

"I know you feel betrayed.  I placed the private footage in there because-"

"Please.  I don't want to talk about that.  I can't understand how so many people are fixated on that.  The only reason I wish you didn't put it in there is because it took away from the real message of the film."

"A part of me does hold regret."

He cleared his throat.  "Well, I've been expecting this phone call, not so direct but I knew this would happen sooner than later."

For some reason, all my butterflies became lifeless.  "Direct?"

"I was planning on calling Frank to get in touch with you.  I never expected for you to call me."

"Oh.  Well, I found you," I said with a void in my tone.

"I would like to see you.  Would you like to see me?"

My eyebrows arched in astonishment.  "All I ask for is honesty."

"I know.  I'm willing to give you the closure you need."

The strength in his tone and words weakened me.  He was obviously not affected by our relationship like I was.  He wanted to just end my misery rather than rekindle what we had.  It killed me to realize it.  "When can I see you?" I asked helplessly.

"I leave soon."

"Leave where?" I asked casually.

"I have to go to Florida for a week."

I wanted to ask why but I held back my curiosity.  "So today?"

"I'm sorry.  I'm actually leaving after this phone call."

I missed him so much more in that moment.  "Okay.  I'll just let you go."  I knew in my heart I would never hear from him again.

"Can I contact you at this number later on?"

"Yes, of course."  I've heard this so many times before.

"Bye, Shakira."

I decided to hang up without saying it back.  I was sick of goodbyes.  I just needed that long waited hello.  But I knew I would be waiting forever.

***

January 17, 1992

No

No.  Don't try to excuse yourself
Don't play on persistence
Excuses existed before you did

No.  Don't look at me like before
Don't speak in plural
Rhetoric is your most lethal weapon

I'm going to ask you not to come back
I feel like you still hurt me here,
Inside

And at your age, it's good you know what is
To break someone's heart like this

No.  One can't live with so much poison
The hope your love gave me
Was never given to me be anyone else
I swear, I'm not lying

No.  One can't live with so much poison
One can't dedicate their soul to accumulating intentions.
The rage weighs more than cement

I hope that you don't expect me to wait for you
After turning 26, my patience has sunk down to my feet

Here I am plucking daisies
And looking without seeing
To see if this way, you'll get irritated and leave.

Michael, I'm going to ask you to never come back.
Because I can feel that you still want to hurt to me.
Here...

Deep inside.