in order to survive ; taegi

two

"i'm sorry i won't be home, baby. i'm really sorry."

"it's fine mom. just stay safe and take good care of yourself, okay?"

"alright. sleep well and make sure you eat three meals a day while i'm gone: at least at a friend's house."

"i will, mom. good night, love you."

"love you too honey. sleep tight."

ہ ہ ہ

his mother was going to have to stay with his aunt for a week.

her car had broken down while she was in the city, and she didn't have the money to fix it. she had called and promised in the most apologetic voice that she'd be home as soon as she could, but taehyung knew it could end up being weeks until the car was fixed. that meant weeks in an empty apartment, alone, with the risk of loan sharks showing up again any minute.

he scratched at his wrist, feeling the itch under his skin again. the only way to get rid of it was to take a blade and run it across his skin.

he was in the bathroom with his skinny fingers wrapped around a blade when the doorbell rang.

taehyung bit his lip and put the blade back, walking out of the bathroom feeling his heart weigh him down with every step.

he opened the door to see jimin, in a giant red sweatshirt that swallowed his tiny body, holding a black plastic bag.

"i brought some food."

taehyung smiled the most genuine smile he had smiled all week.

they sat down on the floor in front of the t.v. wearing their gray socks and blue slippers.

"your face is a mess."

"does that imply that i'm ugly?"

"it implies that there's a giant bruise covering half of your face, dummy."

taehyung felt his face heat up as jimin leaned closer. "ah. forgot."

"what the hell happened?"

"loan sharks."

taehyung's reply was instant and stoic, his eyes never leaving the floor.

"it's how i paid them back, okay?"

"by letting them beat the shit out of you?"

"yes, by letting them hit me, the fuck was i supposed to do? let them hit my mother?"

"that's not my point, tae!" jimin's usually soft voice rose to a violent shout, and then he closed his eyes and sighed. "i told you to come to me for help when you need to."

"i didn't need help. i'm fine."

tae, what's up?

i-

why are you shivering? and why are your hands so fucking cold?

they cut off our power and my mom's not home. can i stay here just for tonight?

"so you only need help when you don't have heat or light or you're bleeding out on a sidewalk and dying?"

"yeah. basically."

"not when you don't have anything to eat or when loan sharks come demanding money and-"

"yeah. basically."

a beat.

a pause.

"it's a wonder you're not dead yet."

"i know."

ہ ہ ہ

crash.

cutting isn't quiet.

it's a crash and a bang and something heavy falling deep inside of you.

taehyung started crying.

he was sitting on the bathroom floor with blood running down his wrist and tears pooling in his eyes.

crash.

he sobbed again: ugly, pained sobs that came from his throat in strained gasps as if he was choking. blood dripped down his arm and landed on the floor tiles with a soft ripple, contrasting to the sound of his blade hitting the floor with a harder plink.

he needed to get out.

needed to escape and let go.

his head was spinning, and his body ached.

taehyung bandaged his arms and left his apartment in nothing but a gray hoodie, shivering slightly as the cold air hit him and wove through his clothes to touch his skin.

and then he walked, with no particular destination in mind.

and that was the beauty of it.

he was walking nowhere, alone, and he knew he wasn't going to get far before the cold forced him back to his apartment, but he was going somewhere, and that was all that mattered.

taehyung was walking, and wherever he was walking to was nowhere but somewhere at the same time.

he ended up at a bridge on a highway when he stopped to look around.

he leaned over the railing, cold air whipping his air in eight different directions at once.

the water beneath him was dark.

uninviting, yet inviting all at once, and taehyung wondered to himself how so many things in the world could be so contradicting.

he leaned forward a little farther, one foot lifted off the ground.

all he needed to do to end this hell, to end the scars and hurt and meaningless sobs, was let both of his feet leave the ground.

all he needed to do was lean forward a little farther and let his weight carry him down, down, down and-

"what do you think you're doing?"

the voice that came from behind him was surprisingly calm. there was no urgency or panic evident in it, and when taehyung dropped to the ground and turned to face the boy, he found that his face was just as stoic and solemn as his voice had sounded.

"were you planning on falling, taehyung?"

the boy knew him, and taehyung knew the boy.

taehyung didn't like lying when it came to things like this.

there was no commitment. taehyung had no particular bond with yoongi, so after a moment's hesitation, taehyung responded in the most solemn voice he could muster, trying to hide the sadness and emotion reeling like hurricane winds inside of his head.

"yes, as a matter of fact i was, yoongi."