in order to survive ; taegi

four

taehyung tossed and turned in his bed, scratching roughly at his wrist as he looked out his window.

it seemed that his rib had healed somewhat, leaving only a soft, humming ache if he laughed too loudly or breathed too heavily. he had missed school again, opting to sleep off the muted pain.

he hadn't quite had the energy to leave his bed that day.

jimin had texted him, taehyung telling him that he was staying home because of his rib and not to worry. that was only half a lie; his rib did hurt, but he was surely well enough to go to school.

taehyung sat up. he'd go for a walk.

* * *

he made his way back to the familiar bridge.

he figured that he'd jump off the side someday - someday when the pain became too much and the numbness was too heavy for his heart to bear. he wouldn't mind dying in such a pretty place where the river flowed below him and the city skyline shone above: the perfect juxtaposition of light and dark, high and low, and taehyung would be falling down low, just where the world seemed to believe he belonged.

he leaned against the railing again, breathing softly against the cold wind, hair flying in front of his face.

"back again?"

yoongi.

"i could ask you the same thing," taehyung replied. "why are you here?"

"couldn't sleep. you?"

"couldn't sleep."

yoongi made his way beside him, leaning against the railing the same way. "you thinking of jumping again?" he asked. "this is a nice place to die, if i had to admit, but isn't it a little early for you to go?"

taehyung laughed. "never too early." he watched yoongi pull out a cigarette and light it, eyes lingering on the flame for a few seconds longer than would be considered normal. "you think this is a nice place to die?"

yoongi exhaled smoke, eyes dropping to look down at the river before flittering back up to the skyline. "yeah. isn't that why you're thinking of dying here too?"

the cars seemed especially loud, whizzing directly past his head going god knows where. taehyung longed to take a car and drive far, far away. far away from here. from himself.

from the place that beckoned for him to come die.

"you know smoking's bad for you, right?" taehyung said, watching yoongi inhale another heavy round of smoke. "it'll kill you."

yoongi smirked. "didn't you just say that it's never too early to go?" he exhaled. "you want to try one?"

taehyung shook his head. the cigarette only brought back memories he had worked too hard to suppress and hide away. "no thanks. i have a... bad association with those."

yoongi didn't press for further details, instead opting to take the cigarette and put it to his skin. he didn't even flinch, eyes half lidded as he watched the heat burn his hand.

"jesus christ, you do that shit?" taehyung grimaced, heavy memories flooding into his head and muting the noise surrounding him. he dug his fingernails into his wrist. control it, control it, control it: control the thoughts. control the memories. control it.

"yeah. does wonders for my head."

taehyung let out a shaky breath. "i'm sure it does."

it did wonders for his head too, clearly.