Let's Not Meet Again

Unexpected Backyard Visitor

It's dawn, so still a little dark even though all the blinds are open in the kitchen. I flip on the light and start feeding the cats as usual.

Through the glare on the window, I think I see someone in my backyard, which wouldn't be unheard of as an older lady rents the guest house behind me. She has her own fenced area though. I get closer and lose my breath as a scraggly middle aged stranger is in a robe in my backyard, staring at me. He's standing perfectly still and doesn't look away, which immediately struck me with a "oh shit I'm in a horror movie" feeling. I stared back for a bit and realized he was looking at the house, not me.

I rationalize, thinking maybe he was the older lady's overnight guest and got confused about her living arrangement. (Maybe he thinks I'm an intruder?) so I step out back and give him a "good morning, how ya doin?" as I walk up and try to determine his eye line.

He answers back normally as if nothing about his situation is weird. Note: he has not made eye contact, he is still staring at my house.

I then voice the classic passive-aggressive suburbia threat "Can I help you?"

"I'm your neighbor, I think my kid's toy is on your roof."

Two things: I know my neighbors, he was not familiar. Also, what kid lands a toy on a roof at this hour?

I tell him I'll go up and check after work. Kind of shooing him out. He doesn't move, just keeps staring.

I repeat: "I'll check after work, you can go, which house are you? I'll leave it at your door. What is it?"

He's silent for a moment as I grow more irritated at his lack of response ...and more creeped out.

Finally he replies "Oh, I'm just a couple houses that way." He lackadaisically points in no discernible direction.

I say okay and again ask what his kid lost.

He speaks again. "Really, I could get it if I could come in and go out that window." He points up at an attic vent.

"No,that's not really a window. I promise I'll check later, have a good day!" Again trying to politely shoo him.

I've now edged myself over to a loose board from my firewood pile that I could use as a weapon. He continues to stare at the house, his eyes haven't moved yet. I pick up the board and pretend I'm moving it to a table behind him, so I can put him between myself and the fence gate (his hopeful exit)

As I'm doing that, he breaks the trance and walks towards my back door. I'm pretty much done with niceties at this point. I run up to block him, board in hand, and deliver the weakest intimidation speech ever:

"Look man, I don't know who you are, but I'm...I'm sorry, maybe I don't remember you, it's early, but I can't let you in my house. Please, I'll look on the roof later."

He raises up his hand as if to say 'no no, I don't mean any harm' and tries to put it on my shoulder. I side step and put a few feet between us. He speaks again, in a dazed tone.

"I'm sorry, maybe if I could just use your ladder, I can get up there."

I get a little more confrontational and raise the board to show it; not cocked, but visible.

"Dude, I said I'd look later. Please leave, I have to get ready for work."

He turns, saunters, and looks at the house again, now back to his original spot. In a trance again.

"Please leave!"

My yell rolls off him. He isn't even listening, but after a yawn, he does casually make his way back down the side of the house. At this point I dart back inside and watch him from the windows, cell phone at the ready.

He leaves and shuts the gate behind him effortlessly (which btw is hard to do, my friends still haven't mastered the lift-and-pull gate-locking move)

I asked around and no one knew who this guy was based on my description, and no one has seen him since.

I would say he was mentally ill, maybe homeless and passing through, but he seemed too clean cut. Scraggly, but not dirty.

I still don't know what to make of it. It was just so bizarre how he payed so little mind to trespassing and being told to leave.

And no, there was no toy on my roof or in my yard.