Let's Not Meet Again

Creepy Driving Instructor

I am a female in her 20s and I recently had a driving lesson with a male instructor, who was maybe in his late 20s and of Indian descent, in Auckland, New Zealand. (There could be others who he taught, who experienced similar things... this could help them recognize him, and help them feel less alone/confused). I only had one lesson and I think there was a low to medium level of creepiness. Note: What it will cover: repetitive touching, introspection, self-explanations, excessive compliments, time demands, lying on his website, narcissist?, grooming, advice.

The discomfort started before I started the car. He patted me on the shoulder, which I suppose could be considered reassuring, when I said I was nervous. But throughout the lesson, he would place his hands on top of mine to emphasize a point, and the touch-o-meter increased to 4 or 5. I appeared neutral or unresponsive every time. I never smiled encouragingly, nor did I move my hand towards him. I'm sure he wouldn't have grasped the hands of a male student, multiple times. Upon reflection later, I suspect that – him asking me how I am at the start, then touching me on the shoulder, was a calculated move he has done before. It's the perfect opportunity/"invitation" to do so, and I have to admit I kind of admire that slyness.

Why didn't I say something? There were several reasons: I didn't want to seem overly emotional, and I was scared of offending or upsetting him, and making him become cold and harsh again (as he did, at the start, when I didn't follow an instruction correctly). I didn't want to cause tension because... a) I was planning on spending at least 4 hours with him alone - in a small space b) I had a test coming up, and I really needed his help and advice, and c) If he took it badly, it would lead me to become more anxious, which would probably affect my concentration and driving. I didn't want to cause an accident, of which I hear about way too much in the news. I also didn't possess enough confidence or assertiveness to speak up during those moments (he was acting like such a nice guy). So overall, it didn't seem like a good idea to speak up.

Near the start, he asked me more than a few personal questions in quick succession. I didn't want to waste time, and was uncomfortable, so I answered them shortly, thinking he would pick up the hint and stop asking. He didn't, until I turned the questions on him, something I probably should have done earlier... I was curious to see how far he would push... Throughout the lesson, he was often charming, and sweet-sounding. He called me "baby" a few times – "come on baby!" being effusive when I got something (rather simple) right ... would he say that to me if I was, say, an older man? He also called me a "smart girl" three times, at pretty random, uncalled for times. I did awkwardly thank him once, but mainly just stared back, emotionless, feeling that they were forced, insincere in their context and probably designed to manipulate.

I made a comment about it being hot in the car – and he was like, in a teasing voice, "my other students say that too." To that, I quietly made a half-amused chuckling sound (but really I was so uncomfortable) and changed the topic. I can sense some things very easily (HSP <3), and I felt he was trying hard to impress me (repeatedly expressing similar feelings to me about the test, talking a lot about himself)... He was keen to appear to share the same thoughts as me (e.g I would disagree with or have another perspective on something he said, and he would, like a flash of lightning, agree with me enthusiastically, even if it contradicted the sentiment he was expressing earlier). He also wanted to meet me 15-20m earlier than our scheduled 2 hour lessons (which was plenty of time, I thought) – and the second time, it was more like a demand, not a request.

I also observed grandiose statements, a lot of presumptuousness, a tendency to be melodramatic and to be quite dismissive. After the lesson, I reexamined his website. He was dishonest or misleading about several things: e.g. the landline number didn't work and he constantly gave the impression that there was more than one person in his business ("we"). Other red flags? No last name was mentioned (I found out that the name he goes by, isn't even his real name), there was no "about" page, no pictures of him, but oh – many pictures of his female students behind the wheel. Furthermore, on another website, a person complained about his driving – it was precise, calm and rational. His response was simply to deny everything, talk as if he was defending someone else, argue that he was wrong in every account, and then belittle him. Nice.

I suspect he is a narcissist, or at least has narcissistic tendencies. All of these things lead me to feel intensely uncomfortable about him and afraid of how else he would cross the line of professionalism, so I cancelled the next lesson. I was reading about grooming behaviour, and it was a bit scary to see how relevant it was to my case. Pays you too much attention? Too many compliments? Demands too much of your time? Shares too much information? Swears you to secrecy about something? While the last one didn't apply, all the others did.

I know that this experience wasn't very creepy compared to other's experiences, but I have a feeling it would have increased had I continued the lessons. I'm sure there are others who have had similar experiences to mine (maybe not in this context) and hopefully this will help them to understand things more, or help others to prepare and understand future encounters.

So I can't end it like this... I have to give some advice – to help others who may face/be facing similar situations. Trust your feelings – don't dismiss them! Listen to your intuition, especially if you are being given mixed signals and you feel a bit confused. I didn't feel too badly about him until I really analyzed and processed it all. Be careful of too many compliments, of verbal seduction.... And of those who seem to radiate truth and openness – it could be that is truly who they are... but then again, it could be a way of earning your trust, to later abuse. Be prepared for anything, even the worst case scenarios. How? Have your phone nearby... you could also carry a small spy camera, in case you need capture evidence of events – even crimes that are not necessarily related to you. Learn self-defence. Make sure you can sprint long distances if you need to... Anything can happen, and I think it's better to be safe than sorry, better to be overly prepared rather than heedless.