Tough Love

Chapter Forty-Eight

I just stare at first and I know there's fear and panic in my eyes, but I manage to whisper, “No sir. I'll just eat over here. It's ok.”

He shoots me a smile and says, “I'm proud of you, Dani. You amaze me more every day.”

I feel the tears sting my eyes and I'm not quite sure why. I think Eli's words touch me more than I realize, but I also feel like there may be some light at the end of the tunnel. It may only be a slither of light and it may not last for long, but it might actually be there now.

Eli's hand reaches up towards my face and I back off, trembling. I can feel myself shaking and I feel the panic rise in me. My breathing hitches and I barely hear Eli whisper, “Babe, shhh. Just calm down. It's just me. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. I just want to move your hair out of your eyes.”

I croak out, “Please...”

He drops his hand quickly and tries to calm my fears, “It's ok, Dani. I'm sorry. It's too much too soon. I'm sorry. You've just been doing so well tonight...”

“It's ok.”

“Go eat sweetheart.”

I swiftly back up to the stove and eat by the counter, just watching everything. I see Don raise his eyebrows at Eli. Eli's back is to me, so I don't see his expression; I only see the slight shake of his head. That makes me feel even more ashamed than before. I hate that I can't be normal; I hate that I disappoint Eli and let myself down all the time. I just have to soldier on and hope that it gets better.

Don only stays for an hour and Eli and I go to bed just after midnight. As I sit on the edge of my bed, Eli appears with the vial of medicine. I watch him fill the syringe and I roll my sleeve up, accepting the fate that is at hand. To be honest, I'm not so opposed to the drugs now and that worries me. I don't know if I am getting hooked again or if they are actually helping and I don't want to give that up yet. I have to go with the latter. One, because I don't want to admit I'm getting addicted and two, because I have to agree that I have been a bit bolder today. I actually held Eli's hand, that is something I would never have done before. It's this thought that is in my mind as my eyelids flutter closed and sleep takes over.

The week moves on and I have to admit, I'm getting bored being at home. Eli tells me how things are going at work and I realize that I'm missing it more every day. I love what I do, even if I don't like people being around me, I like doing the job. I have to go back sometime, so why not soon? I make a mental note to talk to Eli about it. My brain has been a little quieter, but I have made no more attempts at physical contact with Eli. I think he's getting frustrated by the '1 step forwards, 2 steps back' routine. He doesn't mention anything about it; it's just a feeling I get.

I do feel bad about that. I feel awful for disappointing him all the time, however, it's not something I can just overcome in one day. I want to be more brave; I want to make Eli proud of me. I'm thinking about this as I go through the files the Cap has sent over. I place the file on the table and rub my face with my hands. I hear my poppa's voice say, “Svetlyak, you're not a disappointment. You are my beautiful girl. You just need to be more trusting of this man. I promise you it will all be ok.”

“Poppa? Please poppa, don't go. Don't leave me again... Poppa?”

The voice is gone just as quickly as it appears. It can't be that I'm going crazy because the drugs I'm on are supposed to prevent such things. I don't know if it really is my poppa or if it's my subconscious telling me what I know he would say. I suppose it doesn't really matter though, because I know he's right about me trusting Eli more. I know I have to do that; it just doesn't come easily. I decide to drop what I'm doing and bake something. That's what my momma used to do whenever she was worried about something.