Fat Girl ✔️

The Breakup Begins

"I just don't understand why we have to leave," Jackie complained from the backseat. "That's the whole point of a party, El. You stay until at least 1."

I stared straight ahead as my hands gripped the steering wheel of Mom's SUV, which I'd stolen from the garage to drive us to Blake's.

Blake. I couldn't get the image out of my head. His room, the same neat room he'd shown me only a half-hour earlier... So that was his secret. It explained everything. Why he couldn't let go of Julian, why they were always talking in hushed whispers...

I remembered the look on his face when I opened the bedroom door. A look of guilt, surprise, and pure horror. I remembered slamming the door shut, praying he didn't recognize my face in the dark.  

I remembered when he kissed me. Was it real? For a moment I believed that he saw something in me, something like-able. For a moment there, I actually believed someone like Blake Sivan would kiss someone like me. The way he held my cheek, the way he wrapped his arms around me... it was all a lie. A show, put on for everyone to see. I was stupid to think for a second that it could be real. I was so stupid.

I parked in my driveway, turning the keys in the ignition as the car died down. Jackie and Sarah hopped out of the car, running inside. 

Sydney sat next to me. She didn't move.

"Are you okay?"

Spider-man. Curly brown hair. A kiss. A kiss that meant nothing. Another that meant everything. 

"I'm fine."

"Hey," Sydney said, turning to me in the passenger seat. "Thanks for tonight. I had a lot of fun. You were right, about Bella and Shawn, and... all of it. Part of me was jealous that she could just take over this part of my life. Part of who I used to be."

My hands fell to my lap, and I looked down. I tried to focus on what Sydney was saying and not the vision of two boys kissing in a dark room.

"I'm over it now. All of it. I've got Kyle, and you. That's all I need. Screw Bella for ever giving up on us."

About that. I opened my mouth to explain, to try to sweep together the scraps of what I could remember from Bella and I's conversation. I remembered wanting to forgive her, but why? It was all a jumble. I watched as Sydney stepped out of the car, heading inside.

I swallowed my thoughts, getting out after her.

***

"I got this hilarious video of you at the party, from when you started dancing. You got really into that hip-hop."

I sat in Blake's kitchen, perched on the counter as he cleaned up the remnants of the party. As I typed out the rest of our essay on my laptop, I watched him collect cups into a trash bag.

"You good?" He asked, lifting up the bag and leaning against the counter. I nodded, and held my breath as he pressed his lips against mine softly.

At one point I would've jumped to be in my position right now. But now I just felt sick. 

"Here, let me show you." He pulled out his phone from his back pocket and swiped through photos. Selecting one, he held it up for me to see.

I didn't need any reminders of that night. It was already replaying over and over again in my head. But as I looked down at the video of me in the ripped and bloody t-shirt, jamming out to one of the songs, it hit me once again how quickly everything had gone down. I looked happy in that video. Naive.

"Ew, delete that," I said, pushing the phone away. "I look gross."

Blake laughed, pocketing his phone. He looked up at me with a genuine smile, and for some reason my heart still melted at the sight of that lopsided smile and those brown, almost black curls. I wondered if he knew. He couldn't. Unless he was a great actor, there was no way he knew that I knew. But somehow it made it worse to think that he was keeping this secret from me. 

"You know what? I think I'm just going to finish this at home. You've got a lot to do anyways."

"You sure? I thought I could help."

"You've done enough." I grabbed my stuff, already headed to the door. As I stepped over broken bottles and empty solo cups, I tried not to look back at Blake. I knew if I did I wouldn't be strong enough to do what I needed to do.

But I wasn't strong anyways. I was weak. As I made my way to the door, I took one last look at him. He looked so small from so far away, crouched over the trash on the floor. He watched me walk away, and I noticed something on his face. His soft, loving smile from before was gone. 

It was replaced with a cold, unforgiving glare.

***

Chills down my spine.

The look Blake had given me was still frozen in my mind as I raced down to my car. I hopped in, turning on the engine and waiting for the car to warm up.

He knew. He had to know. I felt like a fly caught in a trap. Clumsily, I reached for my phone, trying to calm myself. I opened up my Instagram, scrolling through photos. But something made my heart stop, and my blood run cold.

The video of me from the party, the one Blake had shown me just moments before, flooded my feed. Unspeakable captions and comments went on forever. Anonymous accounts reposted the video, gifs, screenshots... it was never ending.

I stared down at my phone in disbelief. My stomach turned at the sight of the photos. I looked up at Blake's house, where I knew he was sitting in that kitchen. 

Then I pulled out of the driveway, trying to keep my lunch down as my phone buzzed over and over again.