One Last Kiss {Book Three}

BONUS CHAPTER

***I was sad. So I wanted to write something sad. Don't kill me. There's nothing more to this.***

I remembered everything. Every last detail. It was everything I wished I could forget. But everything I couldn't ever let go. I wouldn't. For her sake.

Nothing could compare to the pain I felt that night. The most important thing in the world to me was gone. Within the blink of an eye. That wretched flat line of the heart monitor made all time stop. I didn't want to believe it. It was all just a dream. A terrible, terrible dream. A dream that I couldn't seem to wake up from. But I had to. This wasn't right. Why must the thing I love the most have to leave me so suddenly? It wasn't fair. Reality seemed to strike fast as everything came crashing down on me.

I regretted everything. I regretted everything I ever did to make her upset or angry, and I want to take it back. Ever since we were young, there was something about her that I loved. Something that I never stopped loving. Her warm smile, her beautiful color changing eyes, her creativity, her willingness to push on when things got rough, her cheery laugh. The list was endless. I loved everything about her from the moment I met her. I regretting not talking to her for three years after that Pretty Odd tour. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten into that car accident, permanently scaring her side no matter how much she refused to talk about it. She still let me touch it, no matter how much she wished it wasn't there. I regretted falling for Sarah. She was beautiful and talented and smart, but she could never compare to Hannah. Maybe Sarah was just a distraction. A distraction that completely blinded me at the time, from the person I should have never left. I regretted focusing so much on the tour with Weezer and not her. She needed me. And I left. I regretted hanging up on her so suddenly when she told me she was pregnant. She needed me at that moment, and I left her. Again. I regretted stressing her out so much to the point of losing one of our twins. I regretted all of our arguments and all of our fights.

This was my fault. All of it. Its my fault Hannah's dead. I stressed her out to the point of one of her attacks. It was me, I'm sure of it. I don't care how much Ryan, or Dallon, or anyone for that matter, try to convince me otherwise. In the back of my mind I'll always know it was my fault. And it will haunt me until the end of my days.

My little Melody is the only thing keeping me sane. Keeping me strong through all of this. Keeping me alive. Without her, I don't know where I'd be.

Melody reminds me so much of Hannah. Sometimes so much that it feels as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I realize that she's actually gone. It's been five years and I still roll over in bed wanting to put my arm around her. It pains me to not feel her presence, her touch. It pains me that I would never be able to hear her voice again, that I would never be able to see her smile, or see how flustered she gets when something makes her angry. But the thing that I miss the most is being able to tell her I love her and being able to hear her say it back. And how I won't ever be able to kiss her ever again. Kissing Hannah was the greatest thing I could ever do. I could do it all day and not get tired of kissing her. One thing that would always make me smile was if we would get into a small argument, my way of ending it was just interrupting her with a kiss. Sometimes it went way beyond that, sometimes she would just get even more flustered, but never did anything to stop me and the argument was over.

Both Ryan and Kat have sent me pictures and videos of Hannah and everyone together, both old and more recent before she passed, and it's sad that I haven't looked at them. Not one. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to crush my ashes of a heart any further. 

I still visit her often. Melody too. That is if she's not at kindergarten. She's starting to learn what exactly death meant and seeing her face fall when she realized she'd never be able to see her mother, broke me. She was upset she didn't have a mother, but she was a strong little girl. She would power through anything. She would always be bouncing around and smiling even if something was on her mind. There have been countless times that I found myself on the kitchen floor, or in the bathroom, or even laying in bed at night and she would just comfort me in anyway she thought she could. Even if it meant hugging me and never letting go. She was never one with words, but her being there with me, just lifted me up. She was literally a smaller copy of Hannah. And I loved it. I love her. I love her more than anything now.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like now if Hannah was still here. Maybe things would have been better. Maybe I wouldn't be sitting here on my bed, in my own sweat and tears at four a.m. Melody wouldn't have had to wonder what her mother was like. She wouldn't have to go off of a photo or videos to see what she looked like. No child should have to go through what she is.

"Daddy?" Her sweet voice echoed through my ears. "Are you awake?"

Wiping away tears and clearing my throat, I turn my body towards her. I couldn't see anything but her small silhouette standing at the doorway.

"Yes, Ellie." Her tiny body slowly moved towards mine, some of her features becoming clearer as she got closer.

"I woke up cause I heard you crying." She wraps her arms around me.

"I'm sorry." I replied to her. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" She asked, her eyes shining through the darkness. All I did was nod and she climbed into the bed on Hannah's side, and lied down.

I plopped myself down next to her and pulled up the covers, tucking her in. She let out her cute little giggles as I did so.

I'm going to be okay. For her. For Melody.