Smile For Me, Ressler

26

"Of course, you can. Pero papayagan ka ba ni Ressler sumama sa 'kin?" natatawang sabi niya.

"It's fine. She'll go with you," a voice behind me said. I turned around and saw Ressler standing behind us. Kanina pa siya nakikinig?

"You sure?" Zild asked him.

"Don't make me change my mind," Ressler said with a warning, making me laugh.

"I'll be back. I love you!" I said, throwing him a flying kiss.

"I love you too. Behave, okay?" he reminded me. I rolled my eyes. As if I'm going to cheat on him.

He laughed when he saw me pissed off. "Just kidding, Tam. I love you," he said, glancing at Zild.

"Bring her back before ten," bilin niya kay Zild kaya nanlaki ang mata ko.

"Are you serious?! It's nine o'clock already!" I complained.

He shrugged. "Take it or leave it."

"Alright," Zild agreed.

* * *

As I stood before her stone, the trap door of pent-up emotion released and the tears began to fall.

I didn't expect that I'd be standing here above her grave.

"She didn't want you to know," Zild said, giving me a half smile. "She said it would make you sad, and she didn't want that. That's why I never called you when she died four years ago," he added.

Four years ago? It's been that long?

I felt the pain in my chest after hearing those words. I'd been living a happy life for the last four years without even knowing that Zild had lost his mom.

"I . . . I'm sorry," I said, wiping my tears off my cheek.

"I'm sorry I came too late," I added, crying my eyes out. "I'm sorry, Tita, I wasn't with you at your final moment," I stopped for a while and stared at him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed a friend," I said, showing him how sorry I am for losing his mom.

He sat in front of his mom's gravestone and tapped the space beside him so I sat there.

"My mom really liked you, a lot. Actually, she loved you," he said, staring at his mom's name.

"Sumisigla raw siya kapag ikaw ang kasama niya. And that made me really happy. Because when you were not around, she's really a lifeless woman who only thought about when she will die. I always saw her cry, alone. She didn't want me to see her like that and I knew that. I heard her a lot of times how she begged God to keep her alive because she didn't want to leave me. She didn't want me to be left all alone," he said in a wistful voice.

I feel really sad right now. My heart's aching for him, knowing that he's been living all alone these past few years.

"I never had the chance to thank her," I said, resting my face above my knees.

"Thank her for what?" he asked, glancing at me.

"For spending time with me, for telling me stories, for making me laugh, for listening to my rants, for giving me advice, for appreciating me. She was the mother I never had. Siya 'yong nagparamdam sa 'kin kung gaano kasaya magkaroon ng nanay. Yes, I have a mother, but we've never spent time with each other. 'Pag nag-uusap kami, tipid lang lagi 'yong usap kasi napaka-busy niya. Kaya sobrang saya ko talaga no'ng nakilala ko 'yong mom mo," kuwento ko. I heard him chuckle.

"Baka kapatid pala talaga kita?" he grinned.

"Baka," natatawang sagot ko.

Nagkuwentuhan lang kami ni Zild tungkol sa mga buhay namin, and masaya ako sa narating niya ngayon. He's now a famous interior designer in the Philippines and he was even recruited in Italy.

Nakakatuwa lang isipin na kahit mag-isa na lang siya ngayon, hindi 'yon naging dahilan para masira ang buhay niya.

I really admire him for that.

Just like what he promised to Ressler, he drove me back to the party before 10pm. I hugged him for the last time before going inside.

"Take care always, Zild," I whispered, tapping his back.

Pagkapasok ko sa loob, agad na bumungad sa 'kin si Ressler.

"9:58. Not bad," tumatangong sabi niya pero tiningnan ko lang siya.

"You knew it. That's why you allowed me to go with him." He knows what I'm talking about so there's no point of elaborating the context.

"Yeah, I was there when she was buried," he answered in a calm voice.

"Why didn't you tell me? How could you not tell me?! We were together the whole time, Ressler!" I shouted with disbelief. And that caught the people's attention.

"Hey, calm down," he paused. "I was going to tell you, Tam. But Zild asked me not to. He even begged me not to say a word to you about him or his mom. And I'm not that heartless. I was going to tell you, but I chose not to," he explained.

I sighed.

I knew he had his reasons, but I still chose to shift my anger on him.

"I'm sorry for being mad at you and for shouti—"

"I'm the one who should apologize. I'm sorry for not telling you," he cut me off, embracing me with his arms.

Natigilan ako nang maramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng dugo mula sa ilong ko. Napalayo tuloy ako kay Ressler na ikinagulat niya kaya agad niya akong tiningnan.

"Tam, your nose is bleeding again," nag-aalalang sabi niya at akmang hahawakan ako pero umiwas ako.

"I'm fine," I lied.

I have a strong feeling that there's something wrong with me. I just can't admit it to myself. Not now. Just not yet.