Mutual Pain

Chapter Twenty

The day was overcast. Clouds covered the sky and a very dark shadow resided over the wedding. Whispers could be heard around the garden, speaking lowly of the hopes that it wouldn't start raining. There was no wind, thankfully, so the hopes that it wouldn't be a storm were strong.

"It'd be a shame for the wedding to be rained out," Mrs. Hudson said to Molly. "They were so excited to get on with it."

"John and Sebastian?" Molly asked, looking forward at the tall blond assasain that stood nervously.

"No, John and Sherlock," came the reply. "It was such a strange sight. Sherlock bustling about and speaking so fondly of them. Just the day before he'd been moping about."

"He isn't like that around John," Greg put in as he took a seat beside the ladies. "Have ya noticed that? I'll see him looking to pinnacle of defeat one minute and the next he'll be just his usual self all because John came in."

"He doesn't want John to know," Molly said, looking back to see Sherlock fussing over John. "He loves him but he's letting him go. He wants John to be happy."

"Such a pity," Mrs. Hudson sighed. "I always thought that John's wedding would be Sherlock's too. I do hope there isn't a funeral anytime soon."

Nothing more needed to be said. They all knew what she meant. She dabbed at her eyes with a Kleenex produced from a purse and sniffled a bit. They knew the occasion was meant to be a happy one but a look to either best man and you could see the turmoil dancing behind their eyes.

Sebastian looked out over friends and family. Not one of them were his. The only friend and person close to being called family was Jim and he stood beside him, expression sullen and calculating. Guilt tugged at his heart and he swallowed, looking down with a sigh.

"Are you ever going to tell him?" Jim whispered. Sebastian looked at him but he hadn't moved. He almost didn't answer. He didn't want to answer.

"No," he said, voice quiet. "Never."

Jim gave a hum. He was Sebastian's dirty little secret it seemed. But he wasn't given the chance to respond as the wedding began.

As time wore on, the knowledge of the incident weighed heavily on Sherlock's mind. He watched John with sad eyes, mouth in a straight line. Should he tell? Should he hold his tongue? John would want to know. But...

Sherlock's eyes flicked up to Sebastian. The expression on his face was one that must have been mirrored on John's. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't.

"If anyone has any reason that these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Silence for a second followed and Sherlock's legs stepped forward without his mind giving him consent.

"John," he began. All eyes were on him now, even Sebastian and John's. He glanced to Sebastian, who was watching him with a clenched jaw and sad eyes.

"Sherlock..." John whispered and the spell broke. Sherlock looked down at him. Time stood still.

"Sebastian kissed Jim," he said, voice soft and apologetic. Emotions flittered across John's face; confusion, shock, anger.

"I don't believe it," he said in a quiet voice.

"John, I..." Sherlock began.

"I can't believe you. At my wedding."

Sherlock realized with a shock that John was addressing him. The anger was directed at him.

"What?"

"You couldn't just let-"

"John," Sebastian said, reaching out to grab his hand. John looked at him, his expression shifting into a sad one when he saw Sebastian's face. "John, he isn't lying."

Silence fell over the crowd and eyes were on Sebastian. Jim stood behind him, looking stricken as he he stared at Sherlock. John didn't speak, didn't move, didn't blink for several moments. Then he ripped his hand from Sebastian's grip and tunened, walking back down the aisle.

"John, wait, please," Sebastian said, moving to follow him. John stopped but he didn't turn. "Let me explain."

"Explain what?" John snapped, turning to face them. "Did you kiss him?"

Sebastian shook his head.

"He kissed you?"

A nod this time.

"Did you kiss back?"

A hesitant nod.

"Do you still care for him?"

Sebastian opened his mouth to reply, all eyes riveted to him. Though before he could form a response, John's shoulders squared and he clenched his fists.

"I hope you two will be very happy together," he said, voice cracking at the end.

He stalked down the aisle and Sebastian's jaw clenched. He rushed after John, catching his arm.

"John, please. I never wanted to hurt you," he said. John ripped his arm away and glared up at him.

"Well that just makes this all the better, doesn't it?" he said with an almost growl. "Maybe if you'd told me, I'd have listened but you kept it from me, Sebastian. You were perfectly okay with keeping me in the dark because, what? You didn't want to deal with the consequences?"

"John, listen..."

"No, you listen. I should have known something like this would happen. Why couldn't I see it? I'm such an idiot," John said, running a hand through his hair.

"What are you talking about?" Sebastian asked, looking bewildered. John glared up at him, jabbing a finger accusingly at his chest.

"You'd bend over backwards for him, wouldn't you? Such a perfect little dog," he said. "Colonel Sebastian Moran, the greatest lapdog in London."

"Now wait just a god damn second," Sebastian said. "What about you? Following Sherlock Holmes around and giving him every god damn bloody compliment that crosses your mind. It was only a matter of time before you did it too."

John's eyes narrowed and he pressed his lips into a thin line.

"Guess this was never meant to be then," he said. Sebastian stopped, shoulders slouching in defeat. What had they been working towards if not this?

"Guess not..."

John gave a brisk nod, already feeling the lump in his throat. The man he'd thought he loved with all his heart stood before him, that look in his eye that sent a stab of pain through John's heart. He'd seen it only a handful of times. When they first met, that day Sherlock came back, when Jim vanished, and now. He could see the tears sparkling in Sebastian's eyes and he had to turn away. This was the right thing.

"Goodbye, Sebastian."

And with that, he turned and walked away.