Argument with Heart

XVI

Ian knew she was thinking something as from his view he could see her thick eyelashes flapping up and down. He thought of asking her about it, but he feared that any mention of it and it would send her back. He was not ready to loose this beautiful moment of spending some time with her. 

"How I wish the moon will not to set and end this night," she spoke. Her voice sounded like a poet who had composed a sonnet about the most romantic night. 

He inhaled her honey almond shampoo that filled the air with the scent of the nearby blooming flowers. Yes, it was a beautiful night and he too didn't want it to end. 

"I wish this moment should never end," he replied with his correspondence. 

"How I wish things were different." 

"How I wish there were no barriers."

"How I wish I get to rest my head on your shoulder every time."

"How I wish I get to hold you close to me forever."

"If only things were different!" She tilted her head to meet his eyes. 

"If only thing were different." He spoke once locked his eyes with hers. He couldn't let her continue. Memories had always brought pain and he couldn't let her continue. 

"If only things were different between you and me," he added before she could articulate anything. 

That stopped her. And it was what he wanted. 

Her eyes dropped to the ground and her head left his shoulder. Caressing his other hand, she smoothed his creases and held it tight and brought it closer to her heart. 

"Why can it be like, how it was eight years before?" She asked. It was a question to him, but she too was looking for the same answer. Maybe his answer would help her come to a decision.

If only things were different between you and me. His words echoed in her ears. She knew he must had the answer.

"I wish things were back to normal." He agreed with her. "But I know it can't. I'm your past.....a chapter you had already deleted from your book." As he said, she raised her head to meet his painful expression. She saw the pain behind those eyes and she felt it to her soul. She felt the connection so strong that even a simple gesture had shook her mental balance. 

She now realized that her pretense of this whole girlfriend-boyfriend situation with Sean had not only caused a confusion in her mind, but he too was affected and thoroughly confuse.

"Why can't it be?" She asked, innocently. 

"Because.....because I have.......Carla," he blurted out before he could say - 'because you have Sean and I know I can't be take that place. I can't be near you, if I know that I can't be more then just your friend. Whereas I want you all to myself, but I can't have you, knowing that you love someone else. And I can't take that happiness away from you. When I can see that happiness on your face.

Something inside her broke and it was not something she knew. When it broke it caused pain. Pain that was so different from the pain of her head. When it pained it caused damage. Damage that would leave a permanent void somewhere inside her chest. 

She felt the tears building up behind her eyes. She couldn't hold it back and she didn't want to. She couldn't let him know. She had to leave.

"My head is paining. I need to get back to the room," she said as she pulled herself away from him. "It getting late, you should go back too." Even with her anger she cared for him.  

Standing from her seat and turning her face, she tried to hide the tears that had already started flowing. She didn't wipe it away as it might hint him of her mental situation. She didn't want to let him know that she still had feeling for him, when there was someone else in his life. She couldn't be selfish to destroy that. He had never loved her. She experienced that when he had walked out of her hospital room eight years back after she had professed her love to him and now again history had repeated itself when she was more or less to do the same.