fall away // joshler

josh

together,
let's breathe

"and it's kind of like i only pass the whole freaking day just for this moment, when i'm sitting in bed and thinking about the irrelevance of my existence—ty? you listening?" i pause my rambling for a moment, focusing on the regulated breathing coming from the other line, and i smile to myself, putting the phone on speaker and resting the device on my desk, my fingers tracing the neck of my beer bottle.

i watch as the cold liquid burns my fingertips in a comforting way through the glass, numbing the shakiness of them and putting them to sleep. i move my fingers around, gathering the tiny drops of condensation on my skin and spreading them around mindlessly.

amidst the silence of the dark hours, my thoughts seem to be too afraid to talk loudly, so they just bicker within themselves and archive out of my mind for the night, allowing my head to feel airy and my body to bubble with a strange energy. in contrast to my generally calm and quiet persona, i become hyperactive at night, adrenaline rushing through my veins at the speed of light and i have no idea what causes it, but it makes me wilder, braver, and a lot more reckless than i want to be.

which is why the bitter tonic has become something that i depend upon. it slides down my throat and chains me back into place without hurting me. it makes my body flush with a warmth that i constantly crave and a comfort that i constantly need and it stops me from being who i don't want to be.

alcohol tames me.

so does tyler's company but in the bewitching hours of the night, i'm afraid mrs. joseph wouldn't want me running around their house like a madman.

i sigh, pressing my lips to the small circumference of the rim of the bottle and chugging the liquid quickly, quietly placing the empty bottle on the desk again and grabbing my journal and my pen so i can quickly write something down before going to sleep.

i have more nights to witness like this one, where i'm calm and collected and nothing is bothering me. i want to stay alive for these nights, for these few hours when i'm comfortable in my body.

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long time no seeeeeee sorry if its short i'll update this more regularly from now on !!