fall away // joshler

josh

i keep the lights on in this place

i stare at the untouched leather of the book resting in my lap, the cap of my pen clenched between my teeth and the end of it tapping harshly against the ricocheting surface, as if the obnoxious sound will automatically sort out the archive that is my brain.

it would be sort of interesting though, the idea of a little guy up there in your chaotic brain, trying to file out different thoughts into different sections, displaying the ones that may be the most important to you in bright colours on the first shelf, and things you want to forget, at the very end of the small library that he works at.

my little guy must be tired by now.

i tap the end of my pen against my head twice, as if i'm trying to apologise for all the things i think of and all the things that he has to make me forget, but then the idea fades out slowly, as i resume to stare at the foreign object in my lap.

tyler's mother is genuinely one of the best people i have known, and since i went to his birthday as his best friend at the age of six and cried about the fact that he got a present and not me, mrs. joseph has become habitual of buying things in a pack of two, one for me and one for him.

i smile slightly at the thought, scratching the back of my head and the movement makes my sleeve roll up a bit, my eyebrows furrowing the tiniest bit as i notice the blue lines drawn across my wrist.

i quickly it up straighter, licking the pad of my thumb and rubbing along the lines of ink, trying to erase the thought of hurting myself along with the cobalt blue colour.

with a sigh of both disappointment and a slight relief that i haven't gone as far as the point where there are angry, red, irremovable marks on my thighs and purple bruises on my knuckles—i open the unmarked book, immediately scribbling the words that i need to tell myself everyday.

reasons to stay alive

the vague statement causes me to wrack my own brain, ruining the recently settled shelves and i can almost imagine the little guy shaking his head at me with pure annoyance, a harsh glare on his face but i choose to ignore him, continuing to scatter the thoughts and search through them.

future is one of those thoughts, quite contradicting because it's completely unpredictable but that is kind of the point of future isn't it?

i think over it quickly before letting the words walk along the printed lines on the white paper.

i've yet to discover myself, i don't know who i am. and to die without getting to know yourself, what's even the point ?

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the next update will be similar one tyler's and one josh's

i hope u like where this is going ???? thanks for reading if you did love u