12:01 (Sequel to Midnight Man)

chapter fourteen/i did a bad, bad thing

i stumble into the house, being kicked around by my own person nightmare.

the house looks the same as it always had. my childhood screams at me from every wall, ramming into me with each flashback to simpler times. the family portrait hanging in our entrance hall taunts me with the ghost of unity, our current state of family being so fragmented. i disgust myself as i drag a bored finger along my mothers face, wondering idly if she's remembered to hide her empty condom wrappers from my father. my fists ball up in fury at her dishonest ways, although i am aware of my hypocrisy. and i hate myself for it, i really do.

but as i stand in the entry hall and gaze at my life from the view of a stranger, i cannot help but feel frustratingly incomplete. where did i go wrong, in this life or a past one, that made me into such a monster? why me, out of everyone else? was it really just by chance of genes slipping out of jordan's grasp and into mine that made me this way? or was there more i didn't know?

my anger simmers down.

until it bubbles back up.

"josh!" my mother cries, rushing toward me with her arms full of love.

"mom," i smile tightly, slapping one hand onto her back and allowing her 3 seconds to detangle herself from me.

she borders on the fourth one, but i am released eventually. she steps back, filling the air with casualties.

"how are you?"
"fine, mom"
"is everything okay?"
"everything's fine, mom"
"do you need money?"
"no."
"is everyone treating you alright?"
"as best they can."
"have you heard about tyler?"

i freeze.
"heard what?"

"oh the hospital can't find his body! just terrible, isn't it? how on earth do you lose something like that?! and to think they buried that casket oh so long ago for them to turn up with something like that..."

when the bodies get up and walk away.

"yeah, i heard. probably just a mixup with the morgue records. i'm sure if you dug up the grave he'd be just where they left him," i lie.

"that poor family," she sighs.

"it's only his brother," i remind her.

she waves me off. "if anything like that happened to you or jordan..."

"it'd be very sad and inconvenient, i know. listen, i just need to grab some stuff from upstairs, i'll be right down."

i don't wait for her to reply. i turn my back on her disappointed sigh, feeling a pang in my heart i choose to ignore. i wonder if i should tell her tyler is alive. i wonder if it'd matter much.

i run up the stairs, thinking the faster i get up them, the farther my memories will stay away. unfortunately, i collide right into them.

"watch where you're - josh?" jordan looks at me like i'm someone he's never seen before.

"hey," i try to smile but i'm sure it comes off as uncomfortable as i feel.

"what are you doing here?"

"needed to grab some things," i shrug.

"of course. always run back when you need something. do you even remember - nevermind," he scoffs, pushing past me.

"remember what jordan?" i grab his arm, holding him in place.

"remember who's been there for you all your life? but it doesn't matter to you anymore because the moment i needed you, the moment things got hard, you left. so fuck you josh. stay far away from me. you are not my brother." he snaps.

something inside me twitches. what he said makes me angry. the words he threw at me leave a mark. and i can't help myself from lunging toward him.

his head hits the wall like a baseball player swinging for his last chance to make it to home base. the thud is loud, too loud, and i know the series of events that it's caused is going to be terrible. but something inside of me is screaming like it needs this so i keep going and i don't stop even when his hands reach up to clutch my own that are wrapped around his throat and i don't stop as his eyes roll back and i don't stop until he goes limp beneath me. and suddenly jordan is dead and my mother is screaming and i'm worried she'll call the police if i let her run back down the stairs so i shove her and i watch her body roll and something inside of me is cheering while a part of me is crying out for this to stop.

and it does stop. the room is spinning and my head feels like it's being held under water, but it has stopped. the house is quiet. not even the ghosts of my memories here can yell loud enough to break the death ridden fog cast over this place. i back track slowly, walking into the bathroom to grab my medicine. i pop two pills and wait for everything to stop spinning. my plan is formulating and i execute everything carefully.

i wipe jordan's blood off the wall where he hit it, thanking a god who is surely horrified by now, that it's not on the carpet. i lift him in my arms, grunting from his weight. i take each step down stairs slowly, trying to focus on something else. i take him out back where the fence is too tall to peer over. i grab a shovel and dig up my mother's garden. he fits snuggly under a tomato patch.

i walk back inside to phone the police. i tell them my name is josh dun and i live on anathema drive. i was just visiting my family when i found my mother's body, dead. my brother jordan was always an angry guy and i fear he pushed her down the stairs. he's nowhere to be found.

then i hang up, tears leaking from my eyes as i redial and call zack instead.

"hello?" he answers.

"zack?" i make sure.

"who's this?"

"josh."

"what's wrong? do you need something? you sound like you're crying, dude."

"i did a bad, bad thing. something terrible," and that's when i think everything inside of me fell apart.