lighter || phan au || prequel to cold

c h a p t e r // e i g h t

there is another time.

"fancy seeing you here!" he says, sliding onto the bar stool next to me. i hastily roll my sleeve back down so it covers halfway up the palm of my right hand. he doesn't seem to notice, distracted by signalling the bartender.

"hey, phil" i say. i've already had a few drinks, and everything seems a little less serious, less terrifying, less everything.

"can i buy you a drink?" he asks, looking at the empty glass in front of me. "or, rather, another drink."

"if you want" i reply. "but i'm warning you, i'm planning on getting shit-faced." the bartender places another beer in front of me, and a first in front of phil.

"have you come with anyone?" phil asks. "to make sure you'll get back alright?"

"nope" i say, shrugging. "i'm sure i'll be fine." i'm drunk enough that it doesn't bother me at all, the thought of being too drunk to get home.

"i'll watch out for you, mate" he says. "i was just gonna have one or two. and maybe flirt with strangers or something."

"i just want to fucking, feel something, or feel nothing, i'm not sure." i stumble over the words, my mind working faster than my mouth.

"i get that" he says. "dance with me, dan." he holds out his hand, and i take it, and we get up together and head onto the dance floor.

o.o.o

hours pass.

or maybe just minutes.

all i know is that we're both shit-faced drunk, dancing to a halsey song, and i'm not scared or confused or distant.

i'm present.

i'm here.

and it feels so fucking good.

when phil's hands finally bridge the gap between our bodies, i'm glad. i've been longing for them, i realise in this moment. i wasn't complete without them.

his hands are on my hips and his face is so close to mine and his eyes are beautiful shining blue and he's smiling the smile that sends shockwaves through me, that makes me feel things i'm not used to feeling. good things. things i want to feel again.

i close the gap between our lips.

an hour later.

no.

just a minute later, we break apart. he tilts his head sideways, his eyes asking the question that wouldn't be heard from his mouth over the music. the question, again? the question, are you sure?

i answer by pressing my lips to his again. this time, he kisses back, pulling me closer into his arms, one hand finding the back of my neck and pressing me impossibly closer.

when we break for air, he grabs my hand and pulls me off of the dance floor, through the club, to the front door. then we're outside, around the side, and i'm against the wall and his lips are on mine, his hands are on me, everywhere, and i feel

so

alive.

all too soon we are separate.

"i shouldn't" phil is saying. "you're drunk. shit, i'm drunk too. but you're drunker."

"i want you to" i slur, stumbling over the words.

"can you get home?" he asks. i'm not sure what the question means for a moment, and then i remember. home. where the voice in the back of my head can scream as loud as it wants and i can't do anything about it.

"don't wanna go home" i mumble. i reach out and rest my hand on his hip.

"dan, no" he says. "listen, if you still want to when you're sober, come here tomorrow. before it's open. but now isn't . . . this isn't how i want this to happen."

i pull him towards me, but he places his hands on my chest and pushes himself away.

"i shouldn't have let this happen" he says. "listen, can you get home?"

i sit down.

"shit" he says. "fuck, okay, i'll call us a cab and make sure you get home. what's your address?" i don't answer. he's just so pretty in the glow of the streetlamp.

he walks away a few steps, and makes a call on his mobile.

a few minutes later, a cab is pulled up on the street, and he's lifting me and pulling me towards it.

"sit, dan" he says, shoving me gently into the cab. i do as told. "oh, and give me your phone." i do that too.

he tells the cabbie my address, and the ride to my flat is silent. it's also only a few minutes away.

"i live here!" i say, after we've gotten out of the cab and are standing in front of the building.

"yeah, i know, it was in your phone" phil says. "come on, let's get you inside." his words are slurring slightly, too, but i'm nearly unintelligible.

i wonder if i'll remember this tomorrow.

phil takes me upstairs, and leaves me by the door to my flat.

"you're not going to remember any of this, are you?" he asks. i don't reply. he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "well, we've met this many times. i'll give fate one more shot. night, dan."

i watch him leave.

somehow, i must make it into my flat, because then i'm in my bed, fully clothed, smelling of sweat.

but so happy.