Goodbye

Chapter One

I love my best friend.

She's my next door neighbor. I've known her since the 2nd grade. We were close the moment we met. We just clicked. It was perfect. She is the only friend who has stayed for all these years, 7 to be exact.

The only thing is, she doesn't love herself. I don't understand it. How could someone not love themself when they are such a good person? It takes a toll on me too. I feel terrible when she does.

She has an anxiety disorder and suffers from depression. She sometimes goes off her anti depressants, and it's really scary. Probably the scariest times of my life. And sometimes she self harms. And shows me. I hate seeing her like that.

And today, at 11:42PM, Saturday, December 14th, she texted me.

She texted me this one word. We had a conversation about an hour prior, about how she couldn't deal with feeling so.. lost. But I thought I had cheered her up enough so she could move on once again, like she eventually had every time.

But I thought wrong.

She texted me one word, seven letters. A word with not much meaning until put in the correct context. You don't really think about how much it could and doesn't mean until you are put in the situation where it does mean something. It means so much. And that one word made my heart drop.

"Goodbye."

I didn't know at the time if she was serious or not. When we were talking earlier tonight, she was talking about suicide, how it would be a great way to go. An easy, and practical way. I tried to sway her against it, I thought I did..

When she texted me that.. I didn't know if I was being paranoid or reasonable.

I started texting her back immediately.

Goodbye? What does that mean?

Please don't tell me it means what I think...

Hello?

Are you okay? Do you need to talk? If you do I'm here for you. I'm always here for you.

Please answer, you're scaring me..

Alissa?

If you don't answer in 5 minutes I'm coming over to your house. I don't care if it's midnight.

I sat there staring blankly at the screen, waiting for a reply, or even for her to read the messages. Two minutes after I sent it, she read it. I sighed, relieved.

Then she started typing. She was typing for another few minutes.

I'm sorry, Maggie. I love you dearly, and will always be thankful for your love and support and wonderful friendship. I hope the best for you, your family, and future. But I bid you farewell, I promise I'll find you in another lifetime. Again, thank you so much for loving and accepting me. This is my fault, not yours. Don't blame yourself.

Goodbye.

Love, Alissa.

What? No. I'm not letting this happen.

I jumped off my bed, not even bothering getting on shoes, and ran out the door without saying a word to my parents. I ran next door as fast as I could, not even bothering knocking or ringing the doorbell. I just opened the door. Thankfully it was unlocked. I don't know what would happen if it was locked.. I don't want to think about that. I really can't think about that.

"Alissa?" I screamed not even caring if her mom freaked out that I'm here. She would thank me later. "Alissa? Where are you? You can't do this to yourself. Please don't do this to yourself."

I hear her mom's door open. "Maggie? What are you doing here?" Her mom asked.

"Alissa, she.. Where is she?" I frantically said.

"Well, I'm not sure? Is something wrong? Why are you here this late at night?" Alissa's mom asked.

"I really can't explain right now, but I need to find Alissa right now.. I need to know if she's alright. Help me find her." I pleaded.

She looked thoroughly confused but she recognized how scared and serious I was that she started yelling for Alissa. I checked her room, she wasn't there. I checked the bathroom. It was locked.

She was in there. There was nobody else in the house. She's an only child and her father passed away years ago.

"Alissa? Alissa, please open up."

By this time, her mom was over here with me trying to get her to open the door. And I think she knew what was going on. She knows how her daughter's mental health is. And she knows she talks about it with me.

We didn't hear a response so her mom got the key on the doorframe and unlocked the bathroom door.

I wish I didn't open the door. I wish I didn't have to see this horrifying sight.

There she was.. laying there. I wish I could say she looked peaceful. Open bottle of pills. Glass of spilled water on the floor. Gorgeous long, brown hair spread on the floor. Tears stained on her face.

One second. That's all it took to get that image in my mind. Even though I looked away immediately, the image stayed clear in my head, as if I was still looking. I closed my eyes realizing there were tears.

I stepped back to the wall and slid down to the ground. I started sobbing in my hands.

My bare feet were cold from running outside in the night, after it had just rained. My warm sweater and grey sweatpants kept me warm, too warm. I started burning up, the heat crept up my neck and made my face hot, probably red. I don't care, though. I don't care how I look, act, how people think of me, I don't care about any of it. All I care about right now is Alissa.

This can't happen. Not to her, not to me..

This is my fault. If I got here sooner.. I could have stopped this. I could have saved her.

"No..." I hear her mom whisper. She was leaning down over her one and only daughter.. checking for a pulse.

When she softly released her hand, moving her position into one hugging her, sobbing, I realized she was gone for sure...

I couldn't look. I couldn't move. I couldn't stop the tears.

I let this happen to her...

I could have saved her.. but I didn't.

"Don't blame yourself" she had said. "This is my fault, not yours."

Why would she want this? Why would she want this to be her fault? Why would she find her own life so worthless that she decided to give up?

Why would she give up when she had so much potential?

Please be a bad dream.. please let me wake up and her be perfectly fine...

Sadly though, some terrible things happen in real life.

And this was not a bad dream.