Learning to Love

Chapter 7 - Old Habits Die Hard

Once I had them rolled I looked out of my window to see the roof that overhung above the front door directly below. Perfect. I opened my window and jumped onto it before reaching the ground and hiding around the side of the house.

I slid down the wall and sat down in the cold floor before pulling the joints and lighter out of my pocket with shaking hands.

Part of me was savouring my first drag, it had felt so long since I had some, but in truth it had only been about a month. Guess it just felt longer, these last few days have felt like years for some reason.

With that thought, I brought the joint to my lips and lit the end, whilst inhaling the slightly bitter smoke. I sighed as the familiar scent and flavour invaded my senses, taking me away from my worries and floating me up to the clouds, far away from everything. After a few minutes, I had finished my first joint and had begun my second. My hands had stopped shaking and the feeling in my gut had subsided. I was at bliss.

That was, until, the front door opened and a familiar voice called my name.

"Taylor?" Gerard said, as I heard his footsteps round the corner. I cursed quietly under my breathe and clumsily hid my now-lit-joint behind my back.

"There you are, are you-" He paused mid sentence as he took in my appearance and smelt the air I had been poisoning. "What the hell are you doing?" He asked, shock evident in his face and voice.

"Nothing," I mumbled, silently putting out the joint behind my back.

"Your eyes tell a different story..." He glared at me, looking angry, but his voice still remained calm.

"I'm not doing anything!" I raised my voice defensively, "I mean if you must know, I was doing something but I stopped now that you're here so thanks for that..."

"So that's why you were behaving weirdly early," he stated, I could practically see him joining dots together in his mind, "you're an addict and you needed a fix."

"I'm not an addict!" I yelled at him, stumbling up from my spot on the ground.

"Oh save it!" He yelled back, "I know the signs, I was one too when I was younger."

"I'm not an addict," I repeated, slower this time so he understood, "that was my first joint in over a month!"

"So you relapsed?"

"For fuck's sake, how many times?! I haven't relapsed, I'm not an addict, I just get stressed sometimes and need to calm down, it's no big deal!" I began to walk away but he caught my arm to stop me.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled, lurching away from him, whilst turning around to face him. Tears began to form in my eyes and his anger dissipated into sympathy.

"I'm sorry Taylor, I didn't mean to get angry and I have no right to either, I used to do exactly the same thing you're doing now."

"Exactly, so just leave me to get on with it," I said harshly, "I apologise for doing it near your home, and consequently your child, I won't do it around here again but I will do it again."

"I can help you if you let me, I understand why you're doing it," he replied gently, looking at me with desperate eyes. Why did he care so much? He's only known me two days...

"I don't need your help, or your sympathy so just leave me alone Gerard," I replied, devoid of emotion before leaving him and going back to my room.

I was burning. My heart felt as though it was encased in a sea of flames, caging it away from the rest of the world. The heat spread through my body, a wave of sadness pulling me under the sea, drowning me. Tears were starting to form in the corners of my eyes but I stubbornly blinked them away. I hadn't cried since I was a child and I wasn't about to start now.