If you're feeling happy today, turn back now.
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Lately, I've been feeling like I haven't been meeting people's demands and I saw the world clearer.
Peoples disappointed looks give me shame.
It's like I've been reaching people's demands on what or who I should be. I still keep track of who I am but I feel like now they just want more. Like they are expecting more from me.
But I can't give them more. I can't reach their demands. I'm not good enough.
So now, I'm shutting down. I just can't. I don't smile that often, I don't want to participate in class. I don't want to do anything but sulk in the corner like the piece of shit I am. I want to think. I also want to drown myself in my thoughts. I also want to numb myself in music.
I don't know honestly. I'm lost. I don't know what I should do or what I shouldn't do. I don't know if I should change something I do or just stay the same.
I don't want help either. I just want to be alone, but at the same time I don't. I just want to be alright. I just want to be happy like I was. I just want to have reassurance. No pity, no one to save me, no one to help me. I just want someone I can talk to.
I feel like my friends don't care, so I don't speak. I can see their disinterest. I don't blame them. I don't want to talk to my family because they will tell me to suck it up. And I'm trying.
I feel selfish. I feel dirty. I feel ugly.
I blame my fucking hormones and teenage life.
I'm saying this is just a faze and hopefully it will fade over. But I just want to get my thoughts out there.
You're not alone. Obviously. And there are people willing to talk and listen. Just reach out.
Anyway, please don't comment anything. I don't care. I just want to get my thoughts out there.
