The Diary of A Promiscuous Girl

iv.

I was thirteen when I had my first…..rhymes with luck.

It was with Kyle Grant, a boy in my eighth grade class. He was what many would call the class clown but he was very popular because of it. He did crazy and daring things, like stapling his ear in the middle of class to drive our teacher crazy and getting suspended for it. I found his rebellious ways attractive.

We were on a field trip at some museum when Kyle first started noticing me. That day, I remember specifically, he was looking for something crazy to do that would piss off Mr. Webber for making him sit at the front of the bus. Taylor and I were suggesting ideas to him but none of them were to his liking. Later that day, I found him sitting alone in a section deep in thoughts. When I approached him he didn’t say anything.

“I can be daring too, you know.” I had told him.

He scoffed, ignoring me.

At that moment without thinking I flashed him. I lifted up my top and revealed my plain white fugly bra. Our eyes met and he grinned wickedly. For a split second I realized that I had control over him, sexual control. And it hit me. If I could get that kind of reaction for flashing him my bra, what else could I get if I went further? I was willing to find out.

One day after school, we walked to his house together. His parents weren’t home from work yet. We traipsed up to his room and did it, just like that. I personally didn’t find it enjoyable. It was painful. Not as painful as I was expecting it to be but it wasn’t exactly pleasurable either. Kyle on the other hand loved it. He kept moaning and whispering my name softly. I couldn’t believe the kind of power I had over him. That feeling of making someone yours and vulnerable was ecstasy to me.

When I turned sixteen, my body was moving out of its awkward stage between adolescence and womanhood. I was tall, thin with the perfect amount of breast. I got my fair share of stares when I was out in public. Man from all ages wanted me and I loved it. I could pick and choose who I wanted and that feeling fueled me.

I had most of my sexual experiences at sixteen. I started doing new things and I was enjoying it all. It held different meanings the more I did it. I loved the feelings I gave guys when they were with me but I also loved how they made me feel, desired, wanted and adored. I never attached my feelings with sex; love was never involved in it until I met Mr. Belmont.

I know it sounds crazy that I’m falling in love with a married man who happens to be my teacher but I am. I can’t help it. He makes me feel like I’m more than sex, he makes me feel important. We can talk about anything and laugh. He values my opinion and when we’re together I see him, not my teacher, not the guy who’s married, not the guy puts on a smile even though he’s not happy, I see the real Sebastian Belmont. That’s who I’m falling in love with.

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“How was that?” I ask, breathing heavily.

Sebastian pokes his head out of the covers. He looks up at me and for some reason he begins to laugh, I laugh along with him then after a moment he kisses me deeply.

“Amazing,” he says brushing a few strands of hair away from my face.

I bite my lip coyly.

“I’d go for a round two but Lauren’s parents are in town and we’re having dinner later tonight.”

Oh gosh, not his stupid wife again. He knows the fucking rules. How many times do I have to tell him not to bring up his wife when we’re together?”

“What time is it?”

I grab my phone from the nightstand and tell him it’s almost five thirty.

“Oh shit!” he jolts out of the bed. “I have to go.”

“Now?”

“Yeah,” he says picking his clothes up from the floor.

“No cuddling or nothing.” I pout.

“Sorry,” he says. I watch him get dress quickly and when he leans in to kiss me goodbye I move away.

“What is it?” He groans.

“It’s nothing.” I lie. “You can go now please.”

“Zoe.” He says my name like he cares. I know all that matters to him is his stupid little wife. I’m just sex to him. We come here, he pounds me in a million and two positions and leaves to go to her. I’m beginning to feel cheap.

“You know I would stay if I didn’t have a prior engagement. I don’t even want to go to that dinner. Her parents are going to ask me questions all night about work and how I haven’t knock Lauren up yet. It’s not going to be fun.”

“Why go then?”

He runs his hand through his messy I just had sex hair. “Because they’re her parents and spending time with them matters to her.”

“I guess spending time with me means nothing to you then.”

He shakes his head. “Are you kidding? I love spending time with you, it’s the only part of the day I look forward to.”

“Why are you leaving me here alone then?”

“Because I have something important to do.” He’s tone is getting brash. I know if I ask another question I’ll probably push his last button so I bury myself under the covers and say nothing.

“I’m sorry, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kisses my forehead through the sheets before leaving.

It stings. It truly does sting. Here I am giving myself to someone and he can’t even reciprocate. Why do I do this to myself? Why did I let it get this far? Why can’t I just enjoy the moment we have together? Why do I want more? A million questions and no answers.

I love him, I fucking love him and he loves his wife. I know how these things end up, I won’t win. I’ve seen way too many movies. He will never leave his wife for me. As much as he complains about her, as much as he tells me how much better I am in bed than her, he will never leave her. She was the one he made a commitment to, not me.

As far as commitments go he can only hold up his part of the vow if she’s living. If she were to suddenly die, disappear from the face of the planet he could be with me. It would take some serious planning but I think if I really wanted to I could do it. Kill her.

I let the word linger in the air for a minute.

No, no, no way. I couldn’t do that. I could never bring myself to kill someone, not even his stupid little bitchy wife. There has to be another option. One way or another Sebastian is going to end up with me, I just have to figure out how I’m going to make that happen.