Candlelight. That was the first thing I noticed as I entered my room, the next thing was Ja'far. He was just sitting there at my desk, reading something.
"Um...hey?"
He looked up and smiled warmly, setting the papers in his hand aside gently and coming to meet me, wrapping his arms gently around my waist. "Hello (Y/N), um sorry for letting myself in...I simply came to see if you were in here and got distracted I guess."
I just shrugged tiredly, considering I was fighting back another panic attack, I was just happy to have him with me. Hearing his voice was calming, though it didn't take the anxiety away completely, just distracted me from the knot in my chest.
"It's fine I was just...wait...you got distracted? That's unlike you...." If Ja'far was anything it was focused, of course he was human and got distracted occasionally, but he didn't lose his focus easily.
He shrugged, smiling softly. "I spotted those papers and got caught up reading your poetry....you have a way with words for sure...it was intriguing."
The poetry. Of course, it had to be the poetry. I thought I had thrown it out, but apparently I'd left it right there in the open for him to read. Oh geez.
Panic started to rise inside me, but I fought to keep myself under control. I didn't want to break down in front of him, especially considering he might feel guilty, and it wasn't a big deal I just...wasn't feeling so good.
Noticing my silence, a small frown made its way to his face. Resting his hands gently on my shoulders, he cocked his head slightly. "Are you okay?"
I nodded. "I'm alright I'm just.......malcontent." I had to search a moment for the right word. I wasn't just sad, nor was I just angry, I was a mix of the two and then there was the unexplainable fear within me. The fear that I'd be left broken forever because of actions just a few meaningful people took to harm me, that I would be perceived as pathetic by those whom I still cared for, and that maybe I really was as pathetic as I thought.
"Did something happen?" The question asked was simple, and full of concern, but it sunk deep, seemingly bringing back old memories, painful feelings I thought I'd left behind but just couldn't shake.
"Just anxiety..." Was that not a normal reason for things? I couldn't remember anymore, I couldn't even remember a time I wasn't a mess of emotions and failures held together by my fragile will to live.
Finding the poetry the day before had just made me upset. I used to love poetry, I still did, but I never wrote it anymore. I heard losing interest in something you love is a sign of stress, and yet another thing to worry about in my mess of a brain.
More than anything I was angry. Angry that this trauma took something I loved and took away my love of it, stripping me of even this simple passion that I'd long since abandoned. Who gave them the right to do that, and all of this, to me? What had I ever done to deserve it? Why could I never shake the feeling that it was my fault, that I didn't deserve to be happy?
I didn't realize I was crying until Ja'far was holding me close, letting me rest my head on his shoulder. Doing so, I let myself cry, even if I felt a little guilty. "I'm pathetic...I'm sorry."
I was always told not to compare my problems to others, but in the end it never stopped me. Ja'far had been through more than I could ever even imagine, I hated to make such a big deal out of something that only paled in comparison. I knew he didn't care, and that he never would even consider comparing my struggles with his past, but that didn't stop the anxiety.
Ja'far sighed, sitting down at my desk and pulling me into his lap, hugging me tightly. "You're not pathetic...you're just stressed."
Cuddling him, I managed a nod, taking deep calming breaths as I tried to stop crying. "D..do you really like my poetry?" I asked, attempting to change the subject.
He nodded, smiling warmly and petting my hair to help me calm down. "Mmhm. It's very lovely...and I like your prose..." he gave the smallest frown then. "I didn't know you wrote poetry until now...is it something you're shy about?"
I shook my head. "No...I just...haven't written any in years. I found that yesterday and forgot to throw it out...I used to love to but...I haven't written any...not since..." fresh tears were finding there way to my cheeks, but I tried to wipe them away.
Ja'far was quiet a moment, but then nodded. "I see...I shouldn't have brought it up then...I'm sorry."
I took a deep breath, shaking my head. "Don't be...I'm not mad that you read it just....that I can't write it anymore...I wish I could."
Ja'far seemed surprised. "Of course you can, if you can still write other things, you can still write poetry." He stated. "I can help you, we can do it together."
I was silent a moment, considering it. I was actually scared of doing something I used to love so dearly. Why was a scared of something so simple? Why was I so pathetic?
Shaking these thoughts away I gave the smallest of smiles, nodding. "Okay."
We would do it together, that wouldn't be so scary would it? Yeah. We could get through this together. Everything would be okay, maybe not perfect, but it would be okay.
A/N I am back with another update finally, this one a loot self-indulgent sorry. Although -bast- had requested something similar to this with Ja'far and a reader with ptsd. I also wanted to try my hand at writing in first person, though I'm not sure how much I like it honestly. That brings up a good question though, what pov do you guys like the best? I've tried all three povs in this book, and I need to get a consistent one to use I think, or do you guys like it when I switch up the pov? Anyway, I haven't abandoned this book or any of the requests, though I might be slow writing them. I love y'all sorry for not updating until now! -byenee!
